Dr. Schneeplestein: are you drinking Pepsi for breakfast?
Chase Brody: yeah, what did you have for breakfast?
Dr. Schneeplestein: nothing.
Chase Brody: i’m doing better than you then.
The Host: you have no idea what i had to go through to get this coat–
Dr. Iplier: you stripped it off the body of a dead man
The Host: which gives it great sentimental value.
I want more kinkiplier! He is uncomfortable as heck, but it’s hilarious!
here’s some general headcanons!!
–he’s always got his ball gag in, but he does take it out during meetings (wilford made that rule) and talking to someone.
–he’s the biggest flirt around. always winking or making passes at any of them, even the jack egos. so far he’s been the only one ever to make google’s blush feature turn on.
–he dresses in a white dress up shirt with some kinky rope binding over said shirt, tight leather pants, dress shoes, and a blindfold on his neck. ready to be used at any time.
–gets along well with bingiplier and the host. mostly because they’re the only ones who will give him the time of day and ask him about his “lifestyle”. genuinely curious. sorta gets along with google, but only because google has a tiny itty bitty soft spot for his flirting.
–surprisingly, he gets along with dapper jack!! dapper finds him funny and kink knows sign language very well!! what can ya say? he’s a master with his fingers.
–kink keeps a briefcase in his office. one nobody dares to look in. however, the host knows the truth. it’s just a case to keep his lunch in – not for some weird kinky things like bondage ropes or…grosser things.
–teasingly refers to older egos as “daddy” and younger egos as “baby boy”
–wilford and dark keep him away from their “kid” yandereplier, “no dO NOT TOUCH THE C H I L D” they yell when he’s in the same room as yan.
–he’s busy almost every weekend, and honestly nobody wants to know what he’s doing. (except host and bing know – he sips hot chocolate at the hispter cafe downtown while working on his adult erotic novels.)
–says he knows the best way to get control of mark’s channel, but says they’ll have to move said channel over to pornhub. wilford and dark immediately shoot down his ideas.
Don’t make me ship googleplier and kinkiplier ple a s e the poor computer boy
google sits close by kink during a meetings – one of kinks first meetings with the other egos.
“…hello, kink.”
kink perks up, moving his ball gag away, “well, here there, mr. robot.” he laughs as he leans against google.
google’s inner statistics going off the chart. what would be his heart is thumping away, his hands fidgeting, his blush feature turned up. giving the robot a red tint to his cheeks.
“i…how have you been? still needing help getting use to us?”
“oh no, but i would sure love to get to know you,” kink purrs, his hand trailing google’s shoulder, “what’re you like, google? what do you like?”
“i…i like–”
“do you like me? because i like you, you and your blush. your little whirling sound when i’m close to you, and the way you look at me like i’m some new hard drive.”
google’s blush feature hits its max as kink leans forward. kissing his cheek. smiling, “you know, i’ve never been with a robot before…if you dont count that weekend in san francisco.”
“wait, san fran–” google perks up as kink kisses his lips. a quick peck.
google stares back. kink slowly losing his smile, “googs? babe…? you–”
“OVERHEATING, OVERHEATING–” google yells out, glitching, body and hands convulsing, “C-CAN NOT, F-FUCNTION–SYSTEMS NEED COOLING DOWN. GOING INTO SLEEP MODE.” he trails off before falling face first into the table.
bim stands in the doorway, horrified. kink turning around.
“you…you didnt see shit, trimmer!!” kink yells as he runs out the meeting room.
poor google is still flustered and blushy when dr. iplier fixes him up again. giggling and kicking his feet, smiling away. he thinks this is what humans call “a crush”.
now he knows why yandere acts the way they do. waving and trying to get closer to kink. no matter how many times he makes him overheat.
i just came back from a sleepover and, coincidentally, i was going to inform you that kinkiplier is a thing (idk incorrect-ego-quotes was talking about him). but then i see aLL OF THIS – ivy
KINKIPLIER IS DEADASS NOW?
I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST A JOKE -TiI HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER HE’S A THING NOW BUT @incorrect-ego-quotes HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT HIM
I DONT KNOW EITHER MY DUDES.
IM SO STARVED FOR EGO CONTENT FROM MARK THAT IM MAKING SHIT UP NOW
HE’S WAS FOR JOKES BUT NOT W E ’ R E T O O F A R D E E P AND HES A THING
THERE’S NO TURNING BACK NOW
HE IS HERE
K I N K I P L I E R L I V E S
i feel bad that we haven’t talked about the jack egos all day today so here’s some headcanons.
–they all share a pet hamster. robbie the zombie’s excited about this!! until the hamster screams and runs away from him, utterly terrified.
–anti and chase aren’t allowed to back together. chase just wanted to make some cookies while anti tricked chase into making a bomb. poor chase never saw it comin’.
–dr. schneeplestein is…slowly, incredibly slowly, helping robbie the zombie learn basic stuff!! robbie’s got down the whole writing thing. still needs work on reading.
–jackieboy man was mavin the magician’s assistant. all until marvin tried to saw him in half. the trick didn’t end well, poor jackieboy has a scar all around his waist.
–don’t tell anyone, but anti has a soft spot for baby chicks. just looking at the small yellow birbs makes his heart grow three sizes.
–chase gets his kids on weekends now!! they like uncle marvin and uncle robbie, they think uncle anti is mean and uncle schneeplestein’s a nerd. uncle jackieboy is cool as heck and grandpa jack (dapper jack) does the funniest game of charades!!
–marvin the magician and dapper jack don’t get along well, since dapper jack believes he’s the devil and magic is evil. ya know, old time-y beliefs.
–robbie the zombie once got a hold of marvin’s wand and made himself fly. terrifying everyone. hey, wouldnt you be horrified too if you not only had a zombie but a FLYING zombie? poor robbie was scared too, “DOCTOR GET ME DOOOOOWN– [SOBS]”
–anti turns into a crybaby when he cant find his knife. throwing himself onto the floor and sobbing and kicking until he tires himself out. “what are you, 2?!” schneep yells as he drag him into his office to rest.
I wonder how Anti would react to Kinkiplier? Would he be just as annoyed as Dark?
okay, so the mission seemed easy enough. sneak into the other egos offices, steal a laptop, and rush back to their own meeting room so they can go through it. kink nodded as wilford and dark brought him up the speed.
“you do realize we’re only asked you because you’re quite literally the only ego free right now, right?” dark asked.
kink nodded and made a noise of approval. his gag still in place.
“and you do realize if you mess this all up they’ll either kill you or hold you captive, right?” wilford added, “you don’t wanna end up like mark bop, poor guy was capture for a week and now all he speaks in is gibberish and babbling.”
kink tilted his head in a sign of confusion, furrowing his eyebrows. dark rolling his eyes before shooing him out the getaway van, “wait!”
kink turned back around, dark cringing as he unbuckled the gag from kink’s mouth and removed his blindfold. “please, for the love of evil, throw this shit away.” he pulls up the wet gag.
“no can do, darkidoo–”
“hey! that’s my nickname for dark!” wilford yells. turning around towards the commotion.
“i mean, as long as i’m screaming for dark under some covers i’ll take any name he likes,” kink purred. dark giving a…less than amused face and flipping him off before closing the van door.
“he…is gross.” dark shuddered, climbing into the front seat of the van.
“are you sure he’s not just misunderstood? perhaps he has different tastes but he does hold consent and respect above all things. perhaps he has weird kinks but he makes sure everyone and everybody is safe, sane, and comfortable. perhaps its us who just don’t understand the taboo behind different lusts just because its different to our own, we’re the ignorant ones here.”
“…jesus, wil, where did that come from?”
“hmm? oh, sorry, blacked out there for a second,” wilford sits up, “anyways yeah kink’s fuckin’ weird.”
***
kink successfully snuck past their so called security guard – which was really just some undead looking boy with a baseball bat. poor guy was muttering about a ‘stupid job’ and ‘why can’t chase be security man today?’
he barrel rolled out the hallway and into the nearest open office. thankful a guy like him is so flexible (in more ways than one). nearly missing a pair walking by.
“dude, the avengers can beat any type of dorky magic bullshit any fuckin’ day.” one dressed in a red superhero suit spoke up. walking beside another copy of himself wearing a tuxedo and cat mask. the two arguing, making kink laugh. what nerds.
finally he stood up, closing the office door and getting to work at finding a laptop. not taking in his surroundings until, well, it was too late. looking up from his search at the desk.
the walls were a shade of black, dark – almost sickly green carpeting under him. the walls adorned with targets, all littered with /knives/ instead of darts. the bookshelf filled with books of rituals of…well, who know what fucking demonic powers. the desk itself was littered with instructions on different methods to kill.
and a large, stainless, steel knife on the edge of the desk.
“what the hell kind of office is this?” kink asked. his blood running cold as he heard the doorknob jiggle. ducking under the desk and hiding out as he heard the owner of the office enter.
he bet it was some emo kid, some dark and edgy guy who probably still listened to Panic! At The Disco or Green Day.
he wasn’t expecting such a cute and mysterious boy sitting down in the office chair. scrolling through his phone, his dark eyes and glitching static. smiling as he felt the need to woo him off his feet arise.
kink bet this cutie was into some weird shit and he was all for it.
“hello, baby boy.” kink said as he moved himself from under the desk. anti jumping back and screeching, almost hissing.
“who the hell – wait,” anti stopped, “wilford? did you shave the mustache?”
“what? no i’m not–”
“bim?”
“no, i’m not–
“host? did you get some shady plastic surgery to give ya eyes?”
“i’m not!! i’m a new egos!!”
anti sat up, intrigued. his need to kill and stuff this new ego’s dead body down a trash can subsiding, “new ego? what the hell is that mark doing making new egos,” he sighed. “what’s your name?”
“kinkiplier.”
“…kinkiplier…?”
the sudden outburst of laughing made kink frown, it…it was a good name!! it /fit/ him like a glove!! oh, but he knew how to deal with people like this. dark and mean, but once you got under their skin…
“laugh now, but soon i’l have you squirming and screaming, baby boy.” kink smiled as he inched closer to anti. anti’s laugh dying on his lips.
“erm, what the hell are you on about?”
“can’t you see? i know how bad boys like you like to play.” kink laughed low in his throat. inching anti back into his chair. kink taking a seat right on anti’s lap. the position awkward, but suitable for his plans.
“bad boy? i’m…i’m just – i mean!”
kink laughed again, catching anti’s chin in his fingers gently. making him look into his eyes, half lidded and full of lust.
“tell me, baby boy, what’s your fantasy? anything you dream of when alone, and don’t be shy,” he leans in to peck anti’s cold lips, “i’m no prude like the others. i can make all those fantasies come true.”
anti flustered as he experimentally kissed kink back. heart thumping and breathing slow and deep. he’s never had this attention before. most run away and cower in fear of him, this guy was…different. in a good way.
“i…like this one thing…”
“hmm?” kink smiled as he kisses anti’s cheek, “what is it, baby boy? give me 30 minutes and i can make those little dreams come true…”
***
“WHERE IS HE?!” dark finally cracked. throwing the soda he had been drinking out the window in rage. the poor woman who was drenched in it looked around confused at whoever dirtied her.
“probably dead. or alive but captured. or playing dead.” wilford said through bites of his burger. the kinky ego gone for so long they had time to drive off and get a late lunch.
getting nothing for kinkiplier though, he didn’t pitch in at all.
“or…he…wouldn’t use other methods of getting a laptop from them would he…?”
the two stared at each other. wilford with a few fries hanging out his closed mouth and dark’s realization.
“oh no.” the two stared back at the building as kink rushed out. climbing into the van with the promised laptop.
“DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE.” he yelled as wilford sped away, robbie the zombie trying to chase after the two before throwing a tantrum and rushing back inside the building.
“don’t ever say i–wait you guys got lunch?” kink stopped as he noticed the burger wrapper, “without me?!”
“hey, you didn’t pitch in jack shit for this Burger King, so suffer.” wilford munched away, “how did you get it?”
“i used some good old fashioned methods to get it. nothing too bad though,” he laughed as the two others groaned. grabbing his gag again, “hey. question – who was the cute demon dude with the wound in his neck?”
the van screeched to a halt. the two head egos looking back at kink, who had his gag back in, smiling away.
“you went after anti?!”
***
“DOCTOR!” robbie the zombie rushed back in, “they got away!! and i don’t want to be security anymore, its hard!!”
“damnit!” schneeplestein cursed, throwing his pen and clipboard down in anger. “what did they take?! who did they take?! is everyone here?!”
“doc,” chase rushed in, “found everyone but…” he shook his head, “i need help with anti.”
schneeplestein grabbed his first aid kit from his own office and ran over to anti’s office. expecting the worse scenario – anti decapitated, anti shot, anti (ironically) stabbed.
he wasn’t expecting to see anti disheveled and clothed. tied up some weird kinky bdsm way, thick rope over his chest and legs, blindfold in place and a makeshift gag in his mouth.
“what the?” the doctor muttered as he ripped the gag and blindfold away from anti. anti thrashing about.
“FINALLY,” he gasped, “what took ya so long, kink? i thought you said you’re gonna get the–”
“kink?”
“…schneep? oh–” he tried to get out of his binds, blushing madly as he trashed about, “g-get me out of here!! i…i was tied up by some mad man!! i had no idea!!”
“anti, is that a hickey on your neck?”
“shut UP chase!! it was…a mad man who marks his victims with…uh,”
schneeplestein laughed as he cut through the rope. anti sitting up, crossing his arms. grumpy and used. he knew kink was bullshitting him – they always did. and now kinkiplier was just added to the list of ‘People I’m Going To Kill Without Mercy’ – right under dark and right before the cast of Riverdale (hey, he hated the show a lot. give him a break.)
“…hey,” anti spoke up from the teasing and mocking laughter, “did that fucker take my laptop?”
the laughter quickly died as they all looked at anti.
“…you /idiot!/”
***
kink sat down with the host in the shared break room, tired from his so called mission that day. removing his gag to sip at the hot chocolate he’d made himself.
“the host inquires about the last mission kink had with the other egos today.”
“hmm? oh yeah, /that/.” he laughs as he takes another sip, “i walked right in and put the moves on the dark emo one.”
“anti? the ego with the wound in his neck?”
“yeah yeah!! him,” he laughs more, “i just wooed him, as i do, and he told me some private shit he likes. tied him up, promised i’d come back with something to gag him with. i took his laptop and booked it out of there, i was like james bond.” he hums the theme song as host laughs quietly.
“the host must ask what anti is into. he’s a peculiar ego who nobody knows much about.”
“aw, just normal stuff. he really likes being told he’s loved and appreciated. poor guy’s starving for positive attention.”
“the host feels displeased with this realization. did kinkiplier really play with anti’s emotions?”
“host, babe, its a dog eat dog world. gotta take advantage of what you can to move forward,” kink chuckles darkly, “you should know that. right, author? stealing people out of their lives to move forward in what was your career. killing, maiming, and silencing anyone who got in your way. don’t think just because i act the way i do doesnt mean i don’t know shit about you and everyone else here, author.”
“…the host is uncomfortable and wishes to leave. a panic attack rising in his chest, ready to burst out the longer he stays.”
“aw, i’m just messing with ya, hostie!!” kink laughs and presses a kiss to the host’s cheek, the smell of hot chocolate rich in the host’s nose, “im gonna go see google, see ya around!”
the host sits and starts to cry bloodied tears. holding his cup of coffee close. shaking with fright. no…no, he…he was promised those secrets were buried. he was promised they would never be brought up again.
the host cries harder as the gravity of what just happened hits him.
perhaps kinkiplier isn’t what he seems.
Jim Twins: you wanna fight?!
Darkiplier: no i want to weep quietly in my blankets because nothing is real and we are all stuck in physical entities
Jim Twins: we think Googleplier was right.
Bingiplier: i’m surprised he haven’t marched in here to say “i told you so.”
Ed Edgar, scoffing: he wouldn’t do that.
Googleplier: you’re right, Ed. for once in your life, you’re 100% right. i would never say that.
Googleplier: [turns around, the shirt he’s wearing says “Google Told You So” on the back]
Bingiplier, picking up the phone: hello, Markiplier TV Studios, the cute one speaking.
Mark on the other side, dead serious: Chica??? How did you learn how to talk??
bingiplier, deadass serious: [barks] MARK IF YOU LOVE ME AS A PET PLEASE PAYPAL 6,000 TO YOUR EGO BING BECAUSE HE IS MY FAVORITE…I MEAN, BORK WOOF BORK
