whenever i find monty python casually just on my dashboard i just blink a few times and then get super fucking excited because i don’t see them as much as i’d like to on tumblr
If I don’t reblog Monty Python when it crosses my dash, assume I’m dead.
I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.
I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?
All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at
his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t
stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
since jack’s been watching the office (one of my favorite tv shows btw i have the sign on my bedroom door even ^-^) i’d just like to restate that this is my perfect visualization of our community fires caused by anti/ego seananigans
tag yourself im Michael throwing the chair out the window and screaming for help, hahaha
Background:An android, known as Seán, was created by CyberLife for YouTube to make gaming let’s plays and other various videos. All the android knows is that it is programmed to make videos but not specifically what kind until it is sent to YouTube’s headquarters to be further modified, been given an alias as well as it’s goal as to why it’s making videos
Seán: Hello. My name is Seán. I’m the android sent by CyberLife. I was told I am needed here?
Unknown:Yes. We need you to start a YouTube channel.
S: What will be expected of me?
U: We want you to make gaming let’s play videos, vlog as well as livestream. The main purpose is to enjoy what you do and spread as much positivity as possible
S: Is there anything else I should know?
U: We want people to connect with you and make you seem like a real person to them. if, by chance, you become deviant, it shouldn’t be a problem. As long as you keep making videos and enjoy it, everything should be fine.
S:
[ △ – Community? ]
[ □ – Dangers? ]
Note: This story will develop based on the choice the majority of people make
[ △ – Community?]
This is such a cool idea!! ✨
^
It’s so sad that I can’t do a triangle or emojis on the pc but can on the phone.
Remember Unfriended? The horror movie that came out a couple years ago that had ads all over Youtube featuring unskippable jump scares?
Well, it’s back with a vengeance – or actually, a sequel: “Unfriended: Dark Web”
And as you can imagine, the ads are just as bad and anxiety-inducing as before. I’ve come across two separate ads already (one of which was in the middle of a video and happened while I was on fullscreen) so here’s what you need to watch out for:
TRAILER #1 begins with a logo for a chatroom and within the first few seconds you’ll see a guy’s face pop up on a skype-like screen. Don’t worry – THIS IS NOT THE JUMP SCARE, it’s just a normal-looking chat screen. During this time you’ll want to exit full screen if you’re in it, and then scroll down until all that’s visible is the “Skip Ad” Countdown and about an inch of the bottom half of the video. Then wait and press Skip when you’re able.
This ad DOES NOT have a pre-skip jumpscare, so you’re okay to wait. (Unless your screen shows a “video will play after ad” note instead of a skip function, in which you’ll want to scroll until you can barely see the video and hit mute.)
TRAILER #2 is the one you need to be wary of. It begins with about 3 seconds of a black screen and faint, eerie music. If you’re in fullscreen and you see this – COVER THE SCREEN, EXIT, AND SCROLL DOWN QUICKLY. I’ll be honest, I did not see what the image that showed up was (because I followed the aforementioned procedure), but judging by the accompanying sounds and the dialogue that followed: “Dude, that looked way too real.” “I think it was real.”
…I’m pretty sure it’s fair to assume that it’s not something you want to be caught off-guard by.
Again, scroll so that you can only see the bottom of the screen and wait for the Skip button to load. Then skip immediately.
There might be other ads going around, but these are the only ones I’ve come across so far.
If you want to play it safe: Every time slot for an ad on a youtube video is marked by a small yellow square on the time bar (not sure if that’s the official name, but that’s what I’m calling it.) At the beginning of every video and any time you see one of those yellow squares coming up, exit fullscreen and scroll down before it plays. You can also usually see what’s being advertised in the box above the recommendations section.
If you see other ads going around that you feel people should be wary of – or if you have any specific warnings to issue regarding the two I mentioned – please feel free to ad them to this post!
STAY CALM, BE SAFE, AND BROWSE WISELY, GUYS!!
Yeah, so-
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
Not long after posting this, guess what ad showed up on my dash as one of those “Sponsored” posts?
Be careful scrolling, guys. If you see the word “Sponsored” in grey at the top of a post, slow down and scroll carefully to see what it is. If you see flashing, glitching, a black screen, or what looks like a Skype chat – scroll back up and refresh.
Or just scroll very quickly down, but be very careful in doing so.
I’m getting bombarded with these things, so keep an eye out and spread the word to make sure everybody’s aware.
And this is why people use adblocks: because advertisers are perfectly ok with putting freaking JUMPSCARES in their ads.
It doesnt bother me but just spreading awareness.
(JUMPSCARE SPOILER
Btw the “that looked way too real” was a girl running towards what I assume is a kidnapper and a chain pulled her back. They just made it sound extra loud for spoopy effect)
Do they not understand usually Jumpscares can cause panic attacks, PTSD triggers and or genuinely scar someone? That wouldn’t want me to watch the movie, that would make me want to never even hear the movie to be mentioned.
“The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason you held on so long.”
Honestly I think that Seán sometimes needs to hear this himself too. In these years that I’ve known/watched him I have seen him change and grow so much after going through moments that were hard, moments where he made mistakes or moments when his fears got to him. But even after all those low moments he always comes back stronger and better then he ever was before. He always tries his hardest to be the best person that he can be and he’s so much stronger then he realizes! I honestly think that one of the biggest reasons he’s held on through those low moments is because of the community and the people who watch his videos. He has millions of people all around the world that come from many different walks of life who support him and believe in him. That’s why he loves and appreciates everyone in the community because almost everyone motivates him to be the best version of himself that he can be. He’s strong all on his own just by being who he is but it’s the community that help and inspire him go even further. So I hope that he knows that no matter what live throws at him or when life knocks him down, he’s strong enough to get back up again and that he has so many people who support him while he gets up again too. 🙂
Okay so I was trying to infect my friend with Anti madness and I was helping her recap the events of the Antipoclaypse last year and then I FUCKING REMEMBERED
You know how there was a giant ruse about how Chase would be the target during all of this August 3rd shit?
And when it, in fact, wasn’t, it ended up being Schneeplestein? Which completely took the community aback, because even up to the final hour, it was presumed that Schneeplestein was essentially siding with Anti, especially reinforced be “ze good doctah stitched together Anti”. It was always about how Chase was going to be the victim, not Schneeplestein, and when August 3rd happened, everyone was horrified about how they got it SO WRONG.
We got THIS in the description- essentially being mocked for having the completely wrong idea about where this was going.
“so concerned for your little boy pay attention next time who’s next”
While entries like DDLC and Overnightwatch are very much a part of the Anti lore, in terms of any advancement in terms of taking out other egos, the Mayhem just gone was the next step on Anti targeting someone else.
And who happens to be the main subject of all this fire? Even though the other egos are involved…
It’s Chase.
Anti saw our panic and essentially took advantage of our concern over our little boy. He saw an opportunity and he made good on a chance to tear us apart over it. He saw our weakness for Chase, and he has ripped into our Achilles Heel, so to speak.
And it’s all our fault.
holy fuck, I’m actually kind of writing again? It’s incredible when motivation can suddenly strike after like 6 months… though it might have something to do with actually having access to my desk again? wow
seriously though, this is a big step. i really missed this
Can I add onto this? Remember who first started the whole May Madness: Henrik, with his epic return. We thought that we’d be getting more of him, right? And then who gets the most out of any ego? Our favorite boy Chase.
Guess we got a master of misdirection on our hands.
“So concerned for your little boy.
Pay attention next time.
Who’s next?”
… This just became a lot clearer to me. If what you say is true and people were focusing so much on Chase and barely on Henrik in the buildup to KJSE despite the blatant hints at something being medically wrong with Jack in the video titles up until that point (that, in hindsight, clearly point to Schneeple), this just gained WAY more meaning.
Basically what this says to me about what’s on its way to us now?
There WILL be misdirection distracting you from the main problem at hand, in the form of literally anyone except the one in actual danger. Anti’s next target will likely be shown to us in some way (or, heck, has been shown already), but not without major pile-up on top of it in order to lead us astray.
Pay close attention despite these distractions or you WILL miss the obvious connections and signs. Don’t get too focused on the possibilities for one ego so much that it’ll distract you from what’s being shown to you about the others.
Who are you least expecting to be on the line this time? Who has been hinted at, and spoken of with equal importance to the others, but perhaps not gotten as much actual screen time as you might expect because that’s part of Anti’s strategy to trick you into NOT paying attention where you should be?
… I know exactly who I’m thinking of.
It’s not Marvin or JJ. They were just present in one video, not even very prominently at first glance, yet TONS of people been making art of evil Marvin and corrupted JJ siding with Anti. That was a move to get us to wonder if they’re villains. They’re not.
It’s not Henrik. Henrik’s already been used for whatever he was needed for. Anti wouldn’t have released him if he wasn’t finished with him. He’s just a distraction this time.
It’s not even Chase. Even though we got more insight into his backstory and he was even faced with the glitch devil himself, something’s telling me Chase isn’t Anti’s end goal. He’s just a stepping stone in his plan for something bigger. Anti just needed a new host for the time being in order to carry out his broader picture later.
Who’s missing here?
Who’s the one that we’ve seen art of countless times despite not making a single recent appearance in a video (to our knowledge)?
Who’s the one Anti really needs eliminated? Who is Anti’s biggest threat at this point?
Whose colors are vibrant red and blue, just like the cryptic lighting scheme throughout the entire fricking month of May?
(… I went off on a bit of a tangent there, and this absolutely isn’t guaranteed or anything, it’s just the idea I went with, but… keep your peepers peepled, people.)
One thing that keep me on edge is what “Jack” said on the last septicart video when a fanart of Jackieboy Man is featured. Something along the line
“I have this big project about it (jackieboy man topic) but nah not gonna tell”
(I forgot the exact sentences but the main point is that lol)
