Wilford Warfstache’s birthday

colonel-william-protection-army:

thedarkmarkdamien:

Don’t picture Dark going to Google and saying “Come with me. I need your assistance.” 

Don’t picture Google following after Dark, wondering what could be so dire that the other would actually ask for help

Don’t picture them ending up in a kitchen 

Don’t Picture Dark turning to Google and saying “What’s a good Cake and Pink Frosting Recipe?”

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT PICTURE DARK TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO FUCKING BAKE THIS CAKE FOR WILFORD’S BIRTHDAY 

AND DO NOT PICTURE HIM COVERED IN FLOUR AND PINK FROSTING 

AND DO NOT PICTURE HIM AND GOOGLE AWKWARDLY GIVING IT TO WILFORD SAYING “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”  

TOTTALLY DIDN’T IMAGINE THIS NOPE

wongbal:

lizawithazed:

friendlytroll:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

pervocracy:

Fun statistical fact: Cows are about 300 times more likely to kill you than coyotes.

Minor sidenote to statistical fact: If it was common for people to keep several hundred coyotes on their property and routinely chase them into a corral and handle them, this statistic would be different.

this is a great summary of ‘conditional probability’, a statistical property many people grapple with 

…I feel like this post just made me realize that both coconut trees and vending machines, items often quoted in wacky death statistics, are both things that people shake vigorously often. 

My brain is amazing; it immediately leapt to “I wonder what it would do to the statistics if people shook cows and coyotes regularly?”

I don’t know about the latter but the former would probably bring all the boys to the yard

Smile for me, Chase

chase-brody-protection-squad:

catsandr0ckmusic:

Chase kneeled down to the cold concrete floor. He was out of breath. Running to the car park had felt horrific. The longest 600 meters ever. Jackie’s slender body seemed so hopeless. It just sprawled on the cold concrete before Chase carefully lifted Jackie’s head to his trembling hands. He swiped away the tears that desperately tried to escape the corners of Jackie’s ocean blue eyes. Once the eyes were filled with happiness and joy, even a little bit of hidden love. Now pain and fear were all that was left.

“ Ja-Jackie. What ha-happened? “ Chase stuttered in fear.

Chase was about to break down. He was panicking.

“ Chase. Listen. You gotta- “

Jackie coughed up blood. He pressed his stomach with both hands trying to stop the bleeding. The blood dripped between his fingers.

“ Jackie! What happened? You ha-have to tell me. “

“ 

H͠e͈̤̭̜̟… I tried to stop him. He was just too powerful. It all happened so quickly. One swing and the knife was just too sharp. Shredding my skin and and- “

“ Shh. Jackie. Don’t think about it, okay? I’ll get help and you’ll be okay and we’ll watch the movie tomorrow. You promised, right? Movie night tomorrow. Just you and me. You’ll be there. Right? “

Jackie let out no answer. Breathing was getting harder and harder. His lungs were burning. A small drip of blood escaped the corner of Jackie’s mouth.

“ No. You cannot gi-give up n-now, Jackie. I need you. You help me get through the worst days. You helped me to get over the divorce. You mean so much to me, Jackie. I don’t wanna lose you. “

“ C-Cha-Chase. It’s okay, du-dude. I’m so s-s-so-sorry. Can’t wa-watch the mo-movie tomorrow. Too tired. I wa-want to close my eyes. “

Jackie coughed up more blood making speaking almost impossible.

“ No, no, no. Don’t leave m-m-me now. I need you. You bring me ha-happiness. “

Chase cried. The tears rolled down his cheeks. He gently grabbed his arms around Jackie who winced in pain. Jackie weakly hugged back. Few seconds passed and Chase could feel Jackie’s grip getting weaker and weaker. Then it stopped. Jackie let go and the last breath escaped his lungs.

“ I’ll miss you, Chase. “

Chase reluctantly let go off Jackie’s lifeless body. He set down the body. Chase closed Jackie’s teary eyes with his trembling hands and placed the superhero mask on his face.

“ How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can’t even smile today without you? “

Chase heard a familiar chuckle behind his back. That static and distorted maniac giggle.

“

Sm̷il̨e ̵fo̷r ̸m̛e͝,́ ҉C͜h̛ase. “

@chase-brody-protection-squad Here’s the end result. Sorry it’s baaaad

AAAAAAAHHHHHH 😭

[Wilford does something illegal again]
Dr. Iplier: You know what? Forget it! I’m not even shocked anymore.
Wilford: Aw, that’s no fun!
Dr. Iplier: This has become the norm for you, Wilford!
Wilford: I’ll have to try harder next time.
Dr. Iplier: Please don’t!
Wilford: I feel like I’ve been issued a challenge.

@wilfordwarfstxche

colonel-william-protection-army:

smallapple4231:

smallapple4231:

HI ITS TIME

ITS ONLY LIKE 6:20 AM WHERE I AM RN BUT HAPPY BIRTH WILFORD WARFSTACHE AAAA

Yes I did make confetti cupcakes with neon frosting and yes that is a dinosaur candle.

@fioxis

@colonel-william-protection-army

@jim-protection-squad

@jim-and-jims-protection-blog

@jim-is-coming

Realizing I never tagged anyone :>

Wilford is a happy birthday bean with his cupcake and dino candle.

Bless you.