Me: *makes a small irrelevant mistake*
My Brain, banging pots and pans together: YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUC
Me: *makes huge mistake that will directly affect my future horribly*
My Brain, lounging on a lawn chair with shades on: ….acknowledged
This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.
[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt & Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited.
Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?
Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…
BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’
Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After sevenWhat’s New Pussycats. In a row – It played seven times. Suddenly – Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest.
And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’
They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]
reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg
If this is your first time seeing the Salt & Pepper Diner story, I envy you. Sometimes I wish I could hear it again for the first time.
This blog did not and will not send requests for bitcoin donations.
There seems to be a virus or some sort of malware going around causing blogs to “send out” chat messages to blogs that they follow asking for help with the purchase of certain items through donations of seemingly small amounts using bitcoin and adds a link to the message.
The message goes as following (at least the first message I got went like this): “Hi there buddy. I need help, I’m trying to buy a laptop and I can’t afford it. I’m about 0.36$ short, and I’d really appreciate if you could help me and transfer some money to me via bitcoin using this *link*.”
The small details in the message seems to have a few variations with the greeting, amount and purchased item showing up in different variations from formal to friendly, from 0.016 to 2$ and from a phone case to a laptop among others.
The blogs that are affected send out the messages to blogs that they follow for a long time mostly, so you are most likely to receive the message from a long time, active follower whose name you might recognize or a mutual etc. The blogs that are affected are not spam bots but actual active followers who follow the recipient for months or years and most likely the blogger who “sent” the message is unaware of the message being sent.
DO NOT OPEN THE LINK.
Opening up the link will cause the virus to spread even more and infect your computer/mobile with any sort of malware.
If you have received a message of that sort from this blog please know that it was not sent by me or within my control and ignore/delete the message without clicking the link.
Okay so my first thought was that hell yeah, of course he fucking eats/drinks(??) eyeliner that makes perfect sense
Second was wait what the fuck no that’s bad
And the third……well, this happened:
*/ex/ is Damien, -ex- is Celine, “ex” is Dark, speaking aloud*
-So now, you need to be really careful so you don’t poke our eye out.-
“I’m trying, okay? I don’t need a backseat driver-SHIT!”
-I told you.- Dark held his stinging eye, and considered throwing the tiny pencil out the window. -No, we’re not going to throw it out. We all know it looks good, you just need more practice.-
/I still think it looks ridiculous./
“No one asked you.” Dark picked up the pencil again, determined to get it right. He paused, rolling it in between his fingers. A strange urge hit him.
/Oh my god, do it. I wanna know!/
-For crying out loud-Dark, no. Absolutely not.-/
“Watch me.” And Dark bit the end off the pencil.
/Holy shit you actually did it./
-What the fuck.-
“It’s really crunchy….” Dark mumbled, not entirely disgusted by the taste.
-N-no shit you moron! Why would you even…..-
/Do it again!/
-Please don’t….-
“Too late.”
-Why. Why are you two like this.-
Why did I write this
c o n s u m e
consume
yes join me
🅒🅞🅝🅢🅤🅜🅔
₵Ø₦₴Ʉ₥Ɇ
n o p e you all have fun but i left the emo behind awhile ago
oh yeah and pls don’t actually consume that would be bad
I cannot believe this got so many notes. But this is the continuation.
THIS WOMAN IS MY NEW HERO.
HERO.
When the Internet gives you lemons, make lemonade.
This is such a righteous post that I am happy I stayed up late. I will probably still regret going to school on 5hrs of sleep, but then I’ll just think of this and not give a damn.
just gonna reblog this everytime this appears on my dash.
