Jameson: Of course I’m not okay! You put me in a home!
Jack: What? No, I didn’t.
Jameson: Yes, you did! You couldn’t stand the sight of me anymore, so you had me sent away! I swear, kids these days! They have no respect for their elders!
Jack: Grandpa, you’re not in a home. You’ve been kidnapped.
Jameson: What?
Jack: Anti killed you, and now he’s forcing me to let him have the channel for a day to get you back.
Jameson: What?
Jack: Grandpa, is your hearing aid switched on?
Jameson: What? Just a second, I think my hearing aid isn’t switched on.
speaking of being a massive ecology nerd, guess what season it is, folks!
That’s right, it’s FLEDGLING BIRD SEASON here in North America, which means it’s time for an annual reminder that most species of birds have almost no sense of smell. Someone probably told you that if you touch a baby bird, the mother will smell you on it and reject her baby. THAT IS NOT THE CASE.
Pictured: a young Mourning Dove, after being rescued from the tender mercies of my dog, circa spring 2005. It’s a fledgling! Note how it has most of its feathers, but still looks a bit awkward and scruffy, and, being unable to properly fly, can be caught by an elderly husky or a child.
Hatchlings: IF it is covered in fluffy down (or partly naked) and cannot flutter successfully, it’s a hatchling, and has fallen from its nest prematurely. Look for the nest- if you find it and can reach it, return baby and then gtfo and let the parents return. If you can’t find the nest, or if you find it in pieces on the ground, use a small box lined with dryer lint or dog hair or similar fluff and attach as close as possible to where you found the bird or where you think the nest was. Return baby!!!!
Fledglings: If you spot a young bird covered with feathers on the ground, chances are it’s a fledgling (bird tween, can flutter) who is not doing well in flying 101, but it is probably NOT injured or sick. Hanging out on the ground is part of the learning to fly process! If it looks like it’s in immediate danger (i.e. of being run over, stepped on, or eaten by a cat or dog), the best thing you can do for it is to gently scoop it up and place it in the branches of a nearby tree or shrub, and then LEAVE. The parents are likely nearby, and will return once the coast is clear of humans/predators. If it flutter-hops away from you and you can’t catch it, then don’t worry! It just successfully avoided a predator (you), and therefore can probably continue to do so.
DON’T DON’T DON’T: Try to feed it, bring it into your house or car, or take it to your local vet or animal shelter.
IF it IS actually for-real injured, you can catch it and contact a local wildlife rehabilitation professional (and then listen to whatever they tell you), but keep in mind that they get a LOT of fledgling birds, and those birds have a pretty high mortality rate. They may tell you that there is nothing you or they can do but allow nature to take its course, and that’s hard, but important to hear and respect.
Be aware that the bird should be considered to be injured if a cat has touched it with teeth or claws, even if it doesn’t look like it’s hurt. Cats’ saliva is full of bacteria that have an extremely high infection and fatality rate for small animals like birds, and it’s usually also on their claws. Contact a wildlife rehabilitator and let them know there was a cat involved.
so many lessons on how to hold scissors and pencils
we also have lessons on how to sit on chairs
also common, sitting on the edge and just falling off
I just had the best encounter with a child at Kmart. I was in the aisle shopping, and this girl and her dad come around the corner. The girl sees me and excitedly exclaims “There’s a human here!!” to which the father replied “Yes, there’s humans everywhere.”
Smash or pass: the sexy tuna guy from the starkist cans
Fuck marry kill: green giant, sexy tuna, mr clean
You are NOT allowed to kill mr clean
This is obvious, kill the sexy tuna because that’s just weird, fuck Mr clean because he’s ripped and you know you won’t catch anything, now here you might think marry Mr clean because he’ll clean the house, but no, his cleanliness standards would be unbearable.
marry the green giant, making you basically a pagan god through marriage, and he can probably make vegetables grow using magic and as a vegan I need that, dick probably too big to do anything with but like, pagan marriages can be poly I think
I want you to know you are so powerful to be able to begin with “this is obvious”
