french recipes: if you’re not making this in paris then what’s the point. fuck you
italian recipes: use the left leg meat of a pig from one of three farms in this specific area of tuscany, or from this day my grandmother will begin manifesting physically in your house
american recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked
chinese recipes, as handed down from mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. you want to know the exact amount? feel it in your heart. ask the stars. yell into the void.
English recipes: boil and salt it. Okay that’s it enjoy
Greek recipes: You followed all the right steps but this isn’t quite right. I don’t know what to tell you.
Australia recipes: chuck it on the barbie
Latinx recipes: you will never make it better than your abuela, face the facts
Armenian recipes: spend eight days laboring over the stove. the food will be flavorful with the sacrifice of your sanity. no one will appreciate it.
Canadian recipes: It either needs more bacon, more maple syrup, more gravy, or an unholy combination of the three
Polish recipes: you have to toUCH THE DOUGH, FEEL THE PIEROGI IN YOUR HEART, TOUCH IT. LICK IT. SMELL IT.
Every time I see this post, I learn more about how different countries’ cuisines AND neuroses.
Indian recipes: there are 500 cuisines and that means 500 versions of this dish that has 500 spices so gl
ashki jewish recipes: no, no. no. more onion.
internet recipes: here is a heartwarming story about my baby sister’s third birthday that i completely made up, and a copypaste from alton brown.
You are angry about something. “Clam down,” I text you. You assume I have made a typo, but in fact I am holding a small soldier clam in my hands. He died so young. War is hell
hi everybody, welcome to another wonderful episode of Weird Biology! I’m your host, Bunjy.
we’re here today to talk about a seriously adoraweird critter with a heart of gold! (or maybe just fluff, it’s hard to tell)
so put all your emotions in your front pocket where you can reach them and give it up for-
he’s meow-vellous!
the Manul is a smallish wildcat native to the mountains of Central Asia. they are also called the Pallas Cat, after German Naturalist Peter Pallas. however, we won’t be using that name because he was a fucking idiot.
seriously, he thought the Manul was related to the Persian, which is a breed of domestic cat. (Persians are descended from the African Wildcat just like the rest of housekittydom, sorry Pallas. you moron.)
also he didn’t discover shit, the native Mongolians have been calling it the Manul since the first human to meet one got their shins clawed off hundreds of years ago.
and their scientific name, Otocolobus manul, means “ugly eared Manul”. where are these scientists, I will fight them. FACE ME, COWARDS.
Manuls are about the size of a housecat, weighing up to 10 pounds. however unlike a housecat which is composed of about 30% fluff, the Manul is composed of nearly 110% fluff. there’s barely any cat in there at all! you could probably stick your hand right through. try it yourself! go ahead, I’ll watch from back here.
what? I just like to keep 10 feet and a solid barrier between myself and other people at all times. do it. you can trust me.
(no you can’t)
anyway as you have possibly just found out from the emergency room doctor, there is in fact some cat inside the Manul’s grand fluff and it is not fond of being pawed at by people. (Manuls make terrible pets, so get that thought out of your head right fucking now. go see them at the zoo like everyone else.) it’s a shame, because that fur coat is goddam luxurious.
in fact, the Manul has the longest and thickest fur of any wildcat! this is because they live only at high elevations (up to 16,000 feet, which is 15,997 feet higher than I will tolerate), where the weather is windy and brutally cold. you’ve probably also noticed their tiny Garfield ears, which help to minimize heat loss. this combo keeps them toasty warm on otherwise bare mountainsides.
at least until Jim Davis sues them for copyright infringement.
though all these biology facts are very interesting, I must confess they aren’t the reason that I’ve chosen the Manul for this week’s topic. the real reason is that they’re a bunch of hyperemotive memelords.
no seriously, the Manul has catapulted (har!) to internet fame in recent years because their round faces, wide expressive eyes and stubby bodies combine to form a perfect emotive machine. this cat can express emotions that haven’t been invented yet, let alone named.
let’s call this one "Swoom”
seriously, how can you top that? it’s like a living emoticon.
this is “Woderous”
okay, where were we before I got distracted by cat memes? *paper rustles* ah, right. the spite chapter.
Manuls are ambush predators, despite their fluffy bulk. they mostly eat Pika, (sorry, Pokemon fans) a small rabbity creature that squeaks a lot and doesn’t really deserve the fame Nintendo gave it. Manuls are solitary animals and live alone.
(this sounds sad, but it’s actually because every Manul hates every other Manul in existence and not even god himself can change this)
this is not the face of a creature that enjoys the company of others.
Manuls avoid each other, keeping fiercely to their individual territories. the only contact adult cats have with each other at all is during the breeding season, which is pathetically short. after briefly working together to make some kittens, the Manuls part ways. (presumably while avoiding eye contact.)
after about three months the female gives birth to 2-6 bouncing baby kittens, which all hate each other immediately. seriously, Manul kittens growl and hiss at their littermates before they can even open their eyes! talk about sibling rivalry. once the kittens are old enough to make it alone, they’ll take off in different directions and never call home again.
like the Brady Bunch, except very much not.
unfortunately the Manul is classified as Near Threatened in most of their range. human encroachment and environmental destruction takes a toll, but most of the problem is a little more cartoon villain-y than you’d expect.
see, humans really really really like that plush fur coat, but they like it even better as an actual fur coat. (I was going to make a 101 Manuls joke here but it was just too depressing.) Manuls are still hunted for their fur in a fair amount of their range, though that is beginning to change. many nations are putting protections in place for our favorite stubby emotion machine, and we can only hope this is enough to save the wonderful pile of antisocial fluff that is the Manul.
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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.
if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee to support Weird Biology.
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IMAGE SOURCES
img1- Atlas Obscura img2– Huffington Post img3- Persia Digest
“all star” by smash mouth, but only using the sounds and beats on my synth (and also anthony “ten second songs” vincent on some other instruments) these titles are getting too long
How many people are gonna have this as either their new wallpaper/icon/lockscreen/etc.?
