aseriouscomedian:

nordy-draws-stuff:

craptaztic:

riverdancekat:

iguanamouth:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

tolkientrash:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

werewolfjokewar:

Santa is on strike due to global warming.  All presents this year will be delivered by Sasha the Christmas Tiger.  Milk and cookies may not be sufficient.

“MUST BRING PRESENTS TO GOOD CHILDREN”

“Yes good”

“AND EAT THE BAD ONES”

“Wait no”

“EAT THEM”

“sasha no”

@burstofhope the Christmas tiger is watching

She is making a list

It is not easy with her paws but she is making it

shes almost here

Okay fine this is the ONE Christmas thing I will reblog before Thanksgiving BUT THAT’S IT

SASHA’S BACK ON MY DASH!

Y’all better behave, you have two months

You better watch out

You better watch out

You better watch out

You better watch out

officialloislane:

k-lionheart:

bborzoi:

you know what trope pisses me off the most? when the protag is pointing a gun at somebody and they’re like “you won’t do it. you’re too good” and the person holding the gun is like oh shit i am and they slowly lower the gun while the other person laughs. WHAT THE FUCK. if i were there, and somebody told me “you won’t do it” i would immediately shoot them dead without hesitating. who are you to tell me what i wont do. musty bitch

okay but this is literally

Humans Are Weird: Not Noticing Pain

humans-are-space-orcs:

       The humans were at third meal when Zork’ak sat on the bench. The nutrient researchers had been experimenting with the human flavors, attempting to add it to the meals. This bowl had a slight ‘savory’ undertone that Zork’ak very much enjoyed.

           Wren moved over to allow Zork’ak to sit next to her, which caused a weird constriction around xer straque, xer fluid-pumping organ. Wren smiled at xem, and it happened again. Xe might need to go to the medical wing after meal.

           "I don’t feel sorry,“ Adam was saying.

           "You sprained my wrist!” Steve was clutching his extremity to his chest.

           "You should’ve landed the right way.“

           "Oh, shut up,” Carrie grumbled.

           As Carrie lifted her utensil to her mouth, Zork’ak caught a glimpse of a long cut running the length of the lower half of her extremity. “How did you hurt yourself, Carrie?”

           She looked surprised. “Where?” Zork’ak carefully traced the line with xer talon. Carrie twisted to look at the scabbed cut. “Hmm. Wonder when that happened.”

           "The piercing of your skin sends pulses through your nerves, correct?“

           "Well, yeah.”

           "So you should feel it.“

           "Well, I mean. You usually do. I guess I just didn’t notice when it happened this time.”

           "Sometimes our body can be more focused on other things or like the pain is so minor we barely notice or remember it,“ Adam said. “I mean we obviously notice big things.”

           "I probably cut on something while we were at the collection field.“ Carrie continued eating.

           "She also is the kind of person who doesn’t notice a lot.” Adam closed his eye in what Zork’ak had been told is called a ‘wink.’ “I, on the other hand, do notice things like this.” He flipped his extremity over to reveal two blue spots on his arms. Zork’ak did not study human bodily science, just behavior so xe did not know what this medical condition was.

           "What disease do you have?“ Zork’ak leaned forward to look at Adams, running a talon over the skin to see if it felt different. Xe had been told that xe could touch the humans without asking permission in these situations.

           "Oh, it’s not a disease. It’s called a bruise. It means my blood vessel, the tube that brings the blood to all my organs, was ruptured. It’ll go away after a few days.”

           "You rupture delivery vessels that are necessary to keep your organs functioning and it does not affect your body?“

           Adam shrugged. “We have multiple blood vessels.”

           "Is this an extremely painful occurrence?“ Zork’ak had noticed humans did not seem to mind pain.

           "Nah. I mean, you can usually tell if you are going to bruise because it hurts a little when that spot gets hit, but very minor.”

           "So you don’t notice when you are cut but when one of your… blood vessels,“ Adam nodded,” blood vessels ruptures but you do notice when you touch an object too hard.“

           "Uh, kind of? It just really depends.”

           Zork’ak did not understand how some humans would notice these nerve impulses but others did not. Xe turned to look at Wren, who had been listening to the conversation, and noticed a dark purple spot on Wren’s upper extremity.

           "What is this?“ Xe pointed at the spot on Wren’s arm.

           "Uh,” Wren tried to twist her extremity. “Where?” She was stretching it out, twisting around, finally able to look at the spot on the back side. “Oh, bruise.” She poked it. “Ouch. That hurt.” She proceeded to press it again. And again.

           "Wren?“ She touched the spot again and wrinkled her nose. "Why do you continue to press the spot that hurts?”

           She looked at xem. “You know, I don’t have an explanation really. I guess it doesn’t hurt that much so it’s enticing to keep pressing it to see if it hurts more each time. I’m not sure.”

           "How did you get that bruise?“

           "Couldn’t tell you.”

           Zork’ak looked back at Adam. “I thought you said you all noticed when you have ruptured your blood vessels, and that one looks more painful.”

           "Hers is a dark color because it’s healing, not because it’s more painful. Bruises are nearly the same pain level. Some hurt when you press them,“ he cut his eyes at Wren, "but having them doesn’t hurt really.”

           "She does not know how she received hers.“

           He looked at her arm, then his. "Like I said, it depends.”

           "But.“ Zork’ak was looking at their bruises. "How do you-you don’t notice-I do not understand.” Klyls always noticed any abnormality in their body’s functioning. There was not a time that Zork’ak had not noticed something causing xem pain.

           "It’s complicated, I guess. Our species doesn’t have set rules really.“

           "I have noticed.” Xe looked at Wren. “It makes your species quite hard to study.”

           She laughed. “Good. You can’t know all of our secrets.” She winked at xem then.

           Zork’ak found it hard to breathe for a fraction of a cycle. Xe definitely needed to go to the medical wing.  

submitted by: @nonbinarygaymergirl

viostormcaller:

keepingcalmisoverratedgoddamnit:

samael-has-arrived:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

masterofthenightscape:

kittyinhighheels:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

keepcalmandcarrieunderwood:

My wife and I were were talking the other day and, I don’t remember what we were even talking about, but the idea came up that we would need an oreo for. I joked about getting one from my secret stash. This is where she made her mistake. She said “oh right, like you could have an Oreo stash without me knowing about it.”

I’m sorry?

That’s a challenge.

Oreos aquired.

I’m going to hide them in a super simple place at first

But be sure to follow this post while I chronicle all the ways and places I hide them and also how I plan on taunting her with cookies while she can’t find the package

She is out of the house for a moment so it’s time to enjoy a few cookies

And find a new hiding spot

Hehehe

They up there

Normally I’m a Oreos with milk kinda guy, but I’ll take coffee if coffee is available

Now to hide them right under her nose

She never looks under the TV for anything. Tonight when we are watching Halloween Wars I’ll have a big dopey grin on my face

Time to up the stakes. It was fun having em here and hiding them around her while she didn’t know what was happening. Bit now it’s time for her to be in on the game she is playing

Four cookies packed in her lunch. Game on

I’ve been cleaning house today and feeling like I’ve done a pretty good job. Time to reward myself with some delicious Oreos

Aaaaand put them where she would never find them in a million years

🙂

Got up early this morning and helped pack everyone’s lunch. Pulling a damn Oprah over here

You get some cookies! You get some cookies! Everyone gets cookies!

Then a devious idea struck me…

I put the remaining Oreos in a baggie to hide by themselves. Now to “hide” the package where it will probably be found…

And pin the actual stash to the inside of the closet wall

If you two weren’t already married I’d beg you to marry her because you two are obviously perfect for each other and I love this post with all my heart

This guy’s dopey grin at his success at hiding oreos is exactly what I’m here for

You like that eh? Well you are going to love today’s installment

Look at that. So sad. So few Oreos left

Guess I’ll just pin em right to the middle of the wall in the middle of the living room. She’ll never find em there

Oh, guess I should put this back up

Bwa ha ha ha! You guys! You guys don’t understand! I was planning on doing this and when I got home and looked at it I was like “aww, it’s too thin. They won’t fit.” I even TOLD my wife this and how I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to hide them back there.

But then I looked again. They dooooo

Thank you all so much for the love. I knew y’all would like this, but I had no idea you would like it THIS MUCH. People calling us “goals” and stuff… Man…. It’s kinda hard to take in ya know? Anyways: if this post gets Over 9000™ before I get off work today I will pick up Halloween Oreos on my way home and this will not stop

And, as promised, a dopey grin

Twasnt easy to get the stupid video to load. But I got it and I recommend giving it a watch here: http://keepcalmandcarrieunderwood.tumblr.com/post/179330357103

She is so happy that the Oreo Saga continues. Just look at how happy she is

Came home to find this

But she never looked inside the blue chair

Good stuff, but it’s time for some cookies

Gotta have some while I think about where these guys are going next

Hmmmmm

Got it.

Ohmygosh oh. my. gosh. You guys. Near disaster. Check this shiz out:

Wife and I were sewing Elly’s Halloween costume up

Yea, she is going to be a spider and it’s super cute and all but. But. Loooook

Holy actual shit the Oreos fell out from the table literally next to her.

The moment she got up I threw them into the closet

Also:shout out to whoever it was that lost a follower for this post

Sry bout that eh.

This is glorious and I’m so damn happy this is still going.

My god I need to see where else they are hidden. You are a genius sir

I LOVE THIS IT CONTINUES!!!!!

stuckonylove:

Summary of Methods Used to Get Tony to Eat

Steve: Tony, I brought you some food.

Tony: Sorry cap, I’m busy

Steve: *puppy dog eyes*

Tony: ……. okay

Success rate 60%

__________

Bucky: I made you some food.

Tony: Sorry robocop, I’m busy.

Bucky: I slaved all morning to make you something, the least you could do is eat it you little shit! *tries to shove food down Tony’s throat*

Success rate 20%

__________

Pepper: Hey Tony, I brought food.

Tony: Sorry Pep, can’t right now.

Pepper: I also brought coffee

Tony: Oh gimme! *grabby hands*

Pepper: Food first though

Tony: But coffee!

Success rate 45%

__________

Stephen: Tony I brought you food

Tony: Can’t right now Doc, busy.

Stephen: We can either do this the easy or hard way

Tony: what’s the hard way?

Stephen: I make a portal into your stomach, but trust me it won’t be comfortable

Success rate 14% [Well 100% if he uses the portal but then Tony won’t speak to him for a week]

___________

Rhodey: Hey Tones! Brought you food

Tony: Ah sorry honey bear, but I’m busy.

Rhodey: It’s burgers

Tony: ..well

Rhodey: with milkshakes!

Tony: ….I guess

Rhodey: And if you don’t I’ll let hammer upgrade war machine

Tony: YOU WOULDN’T DARE

Success rate 40%

__________

Natasha: Tony, here’s food. *drops on table*

Tony: Sorry itsy bitsy, I’m busy

Natasha: *murder glare*

Tony: *nervous sweating*

Natasha: *narrows eyes* Well?

Tony: *slowly reaches for food*

Success rate 80%

__________

Peter: Mr. Stark, I’m hungry. Can we go out to eat?

Tony: *drops everything* Sure kid. I’ll always have time for you

Peter: *beams*

Success rate 100%

isa-ghost:

brokenfairyvixen:

spookitarirynn:

almonddeadkittie:

vega-antisocialite:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

nerojen:

I am so ready for the first of Halloween.

Give a ghost the right pair of shoes and they’ll conquer the world.

Super hot where I am today, so have a summer spook.

Send me pics of your ghost costumes :> 

Why is everyone into dom ghosts…?

They’re single and ready to mingle~

if I ever reblog a long as shit post, it’s this

sorry

notreally

It’s ONLY October 1st and already y’all are reblogging the weird shit!!???

This is the longest set of cursed images I’ve ever seen

I think you mean blessed images.

I LOVE THESE JASDFKFSJ

comicstripcritic:

traegorn:

the-fury-of-a-time-lord:

ftagn:

reddyrabbit:

itsaarnie:

pissbabyanarchist:

king-of-the-heel:

pissbabyanarchist:

bookvideogamemaniac:

daily-garfield:

07/23/83

WHAT???? I NEED CONTEXT

Dude there are 6 Garfield strips that explain Garfield is actually an abandoned cat dying alone of starvation in an apartment and all the food and friends are in their head.

UR JOKING

What the fuck

Incorrect. Jim Davis has gone on record saying that the Halloween strips were a nightmare. This is also supported by OUR Garfield being canonically Garfield’s overall 8th Life.

As told in “Garfield: His 9 Lives”, Garfiled was born behind an Italian Resturant, was caught eating the Lasagna, was placed in the same pet shop as Odie (Who was established as being Garfield’s eternal rival through all his lives), and was adopted by Jon. Garfield will live long enough to see his GrandKittens.

Also, as for Garfield’s amazing powers that you constantly see here and elsewhere?

That’s what God looks like at the beginning of “Garfield: His 9 Lives”.

Garfield is, canonically, an Avatar of God.

Garfield is an eldritch being, pass it on!

no really what the fuck

I always love seeing people react to how insane the Garfield canon is.

what. What. WHAT. WHHHAAAAAAATTTT?!?!