today my dad dropped a cantaloupe while unlocking the door and it rolled away and my entire family is now currently outside looking for it like how do you lose an entire melon
just realized you don’t need to say 6am or 6pm. we already know the m is there so just write like 6a or 6p. can’t believe no one figured this trick out before.
or you could do the easy thing and say 0600 and 1800
yeah like adding a bunch of unnecessary zeroes is easy. you piece of shit. you fucking coward
I had sex in a graveyard and was walking around nude cause it was like 80 degrees and I was all sweaty and it was like midnight or whatever.
So this car rolls up out of nowhere and I’m stark fucken naked.
I’m also white as fuck. I glow in the dark.
I make eye contact with the dude driving.
I don’t make a move to cover up or anything because idgaf about being naked.
I see his eyes widen….
With fear.
He fucken books it out of there like a bat out of hell.
And that’s the story about how I became a ghost sighting in a small town in New England.
i used to get self-conscious over the smallest things but friends let me tell you that today i had to smuggle a furious 8ft python onto the bus during the school rush and not a single person noticed. not one. if people don’t care enough to notice a shopping bag writhing and seething with barely-contained reptilian hatred then i promise you that no-one will pay any attention to that blemish you’re fretting about or how you’ve done your hair
