Part of me feels like this isn’t the kind of thing I should be spreading around, not only because I think it’s low but because there are so many actually damaging things going on with and around the Trump presidency.
But the rest of me is absolutely reblogging this shit, because oh my god. Seriously whoa this is fucked up.
The only acceptable reason for this is if this character is actually a demon who seduces men and then eats them. [source]
who wrote this, expose him
my breasts are nicely separated. Completely divided, every year they move apart by half an inch.
My breasts are nicely separated though they still fight for custody of the children.
I,,a woman,,,am WiDeR LOweR dOwN
That was difficult to read.
So ugly
My name is Ebony D’arkness Dementia Raven Way, and my breasts are nicely separated
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT AND HOW ON EARTH DID IT GET PUBLISHED
You can always tell when it’s a man writing a description because they focus oddly on the breasts. There will always be something about breasts and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read historical or fantasy fiction and they talk about “her breasts hanging freely under her tunic” or what the fuck ever and it’s like…women don’t do that? We don’t describe ourselves by saying “I have blonde hair and blue eyes and my breasts hang freely under my tunic”. I kind of feel like we should counter by awkwardly mentioning all male character’s balls in their description. It’s kind of in the same vein.
“I have auburn hair and hazel eyes and my copious nicely separated balls hangs freely under my breeches”
This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.
[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt & Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited.
Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?
Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…
BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’
Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After sevenWhat’s New Pussycats. In a row – It played seven times. Suddenly – Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest.
And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’
They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]
reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg
Robes are stupid. My sorcerer dresses like Petyr Baelish.
To expand: if you are a mage, dress like a noble. Do not dress like a wizard. Pointy conical hat and sky-blue robes is medieval semaphore for “kill first and with extreme prejudice.” Tailored black silk over cloth-of-gold and studded with rubies says “Harmless, but valuable; ransom if possible or kill last.”
If you dress like a noble, they’re not going to pay attention as you take a turn or two to back away from the melee and prepare yourself. The ruse is only broken when you reveal yourself, at which point 8d6 fire damage is screaming toward them at Mach Fuck anyway, so no big.
counterpoint: if you don’t get to dress like someone ran a magical thrift shop through a rototiller and frankensteined the pieces back together what’s the god-damned point of being a wizard
Why did you make liberty black and justice Muslim ?
So here’s a distilled explanation of Why Liberty Is Black and Why Justice Is Muslim for those who are confused by the rampant inaccuracies. I’ll spell it out.
Artistic license
I live in the US and the political landscape is a dumpster fire. This is a protest piece.
Liberty and Justice are concepts based loosely on ancient gods from a multiracial civilization. They are also deeply American concepts, and one of the great American dreams is that we are a melting pot of equality* for all races and religions.
*Terms and conditions may apply.
With the political point I’m trying to make, those 3 things are more than enough to justify this depiction. (Not that it even needs justification; it’s my personal art.)
For all of the questions I’ve gotten on this piece, 90% relate to the race/religion of Liberty and Justice. People are bothered by the perceived inaccuracies there and totally skip over the gay part. I imagine that Liberty and Justice kissing should, maybe, also be considered inaccurate because that’s actually where I took the biggest leap. I literally had no reason to do it except it’s that cute and gay and political. I personified the judicial system coming to protect the liberties of people legislatively marginalized for their race or religion…as two queer women. Yet somehow that is not the most inaccurate part to people.
No, god forbid anyone depict two //personified concepts// as nonwhite to represent and recognize the vast marginalization of POC in this country, particularly black and Muslim communities.
p.s. the fact that Libertas and Iusticia are both conceived as female by Greeks and Romans is also arbitrary maybe one or both of them are actually transwomen or genderqueer or agender because everything cultural that you hold dear is a construct have a good day
Hi @ghostlune I can see from your blog that we just think of the world in two fundamentally different ways but I don’t think that’s reason to not have a little historical education
1. French is a nationality, not a race. You can, in fact, be black and French. What I suspect you meant is “the Statue of Liberty is a white woman”.
2. Please refer to the “Educational sidebar” section above where I discuss why a nonwhite Liberty is pretty in-line with both the French and American visions of her. It has citations and everything. It’s cool, I promise.
GET 👏THEM 👏ALITHOGRAPHICA👏
The model for the Statue of Liberty was male. If she’s white, then she’s also a trans woman.
That last comment, while funny, doesn’t seem to have any factual basis. The Statue of Liberty was modeled on primarily on the sculptor’s mother, and partly on his wife.
Anyway the actual picture that started this mess is gorgeous and wonderful.
“really?” I say to inanimate objects that are not working like they usually do
“Stay.” I glare at inanimate objects that continuously fall over
“Thank you!” I say exhasperatedly to the inanimate objects when they do finally work right/stay put
“Sorry! I say to the table I bumped into
“SHHH” I say to the inanimate object that keeps making noise
“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,” I huff at the persistent kitchen timer.
“Don’t take that tone with me!” I exclaim at objects that make strange and sudden unknown noises.
“Stop crying, you’re fine,” I snap as I’m looking for the charger cord for the electronic device beeping demandingly at me.
“Oh nice, real mature,” I snarl at devices that suddenly stop working after I berate them for not working properly.
JESUS CHRIST I HAVE NEVER RELATED SO HARD IN MY LIFE
“Don’t you shout at me” to the till whenever I don’t hit the right button and it beeps shrilly at me.
Report: humans seem to believe that inanimate objects possess a spirit of some sort, and will often address them thinking the item will hear and understand. This makes our previous observations about the joy they experience when blowing things up quite disturbing.
fill the bottle with gasoline and shove the rag in the opening. soak the rag in fuel and set the rag aflame. the spell is now fully charged. throw the completed spell component at whatever you want to curse. Results guaranteed.
I love them so much because they’re about as sharp as a baseball and their anatomy is ridiculous to the point of them literally being classified as plankton for years because they just sort of get blown around by the ocean and look confused, but because they lay more eggs than ANY OTHER VERTEBRATE IN EXISTENCE, evolution can’t stop them
Why is no big predator coming and gnawing on them?
Their biggest defense is that they’re massive and have super tough skin, but they do get hunted by sharks or sea lions sometimes and they just sort of float there like ‘oh bother’ as it happens
Even funnier, because they eat nothing but jellyfish they’re really low in nutritional value anyway, so they basically survive by being not worth eating because they’re like a big floating rice cracker wrapped in leather.
Perfect example of “survival of the fittest” NOT meaning being some hyper aggressive, muscular manly asshole. This creature fell upon the complete opposite combination of traits and just rolled with it and evolution was like “well, it’s working, somehow".
reminder that this is what they look like when they hatch and they are smaller than a housefly
…..But they reach up to 800 pounds in barely over ONE YEAR.
One year omfg are you fucking serious I didn’t know that
it looks like someone dropped a lentil how does it gain that much weight eating jellyfish
As an ichthyologist (someone who studies fish, I’m about to get my masters degree and move on to my PhD), I feel I need to respond to these sort of posts about Molids. I don’t want to ruin anyones fun, but it’s become a pretty common joke to talk about how ridiculous Mola mola are and how “they’re a freak of evolution that somehow works cause they lay billions of eggs” when in reality, they are actually very complex fish that are just as valid as any other. I’ll link sources below.
They belong to the order Tetraodontiformes, which contains other fishes commonly described as weird like pufferfish, triggerfish, and boxfish. When you look at the Mola mola in a phylogenetic context, its actually not that strange as its very similar to its relatives. The name “Tetraodontiformes” means four-teeth, and so like the puffers and triggers, molas have 4 fused crushing teeth, hence the small funny mouth. This group is also known for their peculiar swimming methods. Almost all the members of this order use their dorsal and anal fins for propulsion (balisthiforme locomotion) rather than their caudal fin. In the Molas case, its caudal fin has been reduced to a rudder essentially, properly called a clavus. Look up videos of this guys relatives swimming and it wont be so strange it lacks a proper caudal fin, especially look at triggerfish.
To address the jokes about them just floating around and eating only jellyfish, this may actually only be half true. Very little is known about their feeding habits, but they appear to be more likely omnivores. They feed on any floating gelatinous zooplankton, but have have also been found with squid, fish, crab, and eelgrass in their stomachs and have been found to take squid baited hooks, though we don’t know if this is because of the squid or light lures. Also remember another large animal does the same thing – leatherback sea turtles are gelantinous zooplanktivores too, and equally massive.
As for their swimming, these fish are actually powerful swimmers with many records of them breaching and jumping high into the air. See the video to see one taking off. They are also travelers, making regular forays into the ocean deep and out-swimming currents as they migrate. We only know them from when they swim up from the deep to get rid of parasites and warm themselves, which is when I’d be pretty lazy too. There is a great deal we don’t know about these fishes, but they are far from simple giant heads, they represent an interesting evolutionary turn in nature with a unique morphology that natural selection helped create.
Lastly, I’d like to address the concept that these are large, unintelligent creatures. This is partially based on my opinion and personal experience diving, but Tetraodontiforme fishes are some of the most curious and intelligent fishes I know of. Aquarists around the world have recognized this as well, especially in triggerfishes. The same is likely true for Molas, these are some of the most evolutionarily derived fishes in the world that exhibit complex behaviors like recognizing that they can bask and seagulls will pick off their parasites.
TLDR: These are complex fishes that we still barely understand, but they are actually powerful swimmers who can migrate, regularly make deep sea dives, exhibit complex behavior and may actually be omnivores. Please stop portraying them as freaks of nature because these images can negatively affect conservation efforts for animals. Being seen as useless is just as dangerous for conservation as is being thought of as dangerous. These guys are regular bycatch by fishing boats and may already be in danger.
Sources: If you can’t open the pdfs, message me and I’ll send you a copy.
TY FOR THE INFO AAAA I’m not at all a fish expert and I appreciate you taking the time, I had no idea they could actually breach the surface that’s amazing holy shit. Imagine not knowing what a sunfish is and seeing that??
It’s amazing how little we know about species like this that are so big or commonplace for some people? It’s similar for amphibians, which are what I know more about rofl. We have salamanders in Georgia that are totally undocumented, some of them we’ve had documented for years and we just have no idea how long they live or what they eat etc because it hasn’t been studied.
That being said I hope it’s clear that me saying they’re ridiculous fish is in the same way I make fun of frogs; They’re adapted very well for their environment and things like ‘freakish’ or ‘useless’ are entirely baseless judgements because it’s based entirely on our perception of what’s average/useful and not the reality. Their adaptations are very beneficial because they’ve carved out a niche in their environments that no other fish have and that’s pretty amazing. They’re extremely cool fish!
Frogs are also amazingly well adapted, sensitive, and very important, and when I’m pointing and laughing at mola molas for looking perpetually surprised or desert rain frogs for looking like ping pong balls that grew legs I hope it’s obvious that it’s because I find them endearing and love them and not because my making fun of them is serious.
how could anyone not love these mysterious sideways children
(If you have time, is it known how they grow so quickly?? I’ve been thinking about it all day, they must know something to eat that gives them the nutrients needed to grow so quickly but I can’t imagine what. Also have you gotten to see them in the wild? I always wondered if they acknowledged humans like whales or dolphins do, or if they sort of ignore us)
