petercapaldass:

doctadonner:

i can’t get in lifts with people because i have a sort of phobia of breathing in people’s breath

and when i got asked what was wrong by my law teacher (she thought i looked ill) 

I had to fucking reply “I prefer people when they’re not breathing” 

ask-drunk-chara:

camilaart:

she’s @ask-drunk-chara levels of gay

And that’s pretty gay

I’ve been summoned :3

charlesoberonn:

capri-sunqueen:

thereisnoneedtocallmesir:

spacefaringviking:

ate-wapakels69:

Human: the day i run a marathon is the day i die.

Alien: *makes note to keep human away from marathons*

Weeks later

Human: Just got back from a marathon!

Alien: *SCREECH*

Human: Dude, when you hear this you’ll shit bricks!

Alien: *Eye tendrils flex* I-i-i’d prefer if you wouldnt tell me, thank you.

Human when it is hot: “I will fucking fight the sun”

Alien: “Please don’t. And you know that that isn’t possible”

–

Human: “If you say that one more time I will kill you”

Alien: “REQUESTING BACK UP, THE HUMAN WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER, I DON’T KNOW WHY”

–

Human: “Quit scaring me like that, you gave me a heart attack”

Alien: “Why aren’t you going to the hospital yet?”

“Oh god when I show my parents my report card they are going to kill me!!!”

“CONTROL CENTRE YES WE NEED ALL EYES ON THE HUMAN’S BIRTHLINGS I THINK THEY ARE PLANNING A HOMICIDE-”