there’s always that jerk named kevin that shows up in cartoons
it’s a bitch name
anyone remember the kevin story
What is the Kevin story?
someone once made a legendary post on reddit, asking who is the dumbest person youve ever met. Kevin wasn’t special needs or anything, but he sure was one interesting character. the gist of it can be found in these bullet points:
“
It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn’t been wiped off
the face of the Earth years ago. Odds are his entire heritage was based
on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his
family every time a threat presents itself. Kevin was the genetic
pinnacle of this null achievement….So here’s a list of events that made it abundantly clear that god exists and he’s laughing uncontrollably:”
Kevin
ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next
day. This is 9th grade. I have no idea where he got crayons.
Kevin’s
dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me…his English teacher.
This was a public school. When I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give
to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school,
Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 711 after school.
Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire….twice
Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn’t him.
Kevin
stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it
was ringing. (Not that it wasn’t his, not that he did it…..no, he
denied that the phone was actually ringing). He tried it three times
before the end of the year.
Kevin
called the basketball coach a “Motherfucking Bitch” during gym.
Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn’t go
well.
Kevin’s
mom could never remember which school he went to. She missed several
meetings because she drove to other schools (none of which he ever went
to)
Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game
Kevin
kept a bottle of orange koolaide in his backpack for about 4 months. He
thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and
threw up.
Kevin said the N-word a lot. Kevin was white. The highschool was 84% black. Kevin got beat up a lot.
Kevin stole another student’s Iphone….and tried to sell it back to them.
Kevin
didn’t understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes,
homework, classwork, and participation. Kevin finished his first
semester with a 3% average. He tried to bribe me with $11.
Kevin spit on a girl and said “You should get out of those wet clothes”. The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher.
Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library…..at the circulation desk….while he was logged on.
Kevin
asked a girl to prom (he was in 9th grade and freshmen don’t go to
prom) by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address
Kevin got gum in his hair, constantly.
Kevin
regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over,
grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing it name
on it wherever there was room.
Kevin
had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember
what they were. They were very concerned that “the holiday party” would have peanuts. When they finally
got a doctor’s note….he was allergic to amoxicillin
Kevin
and his parents took a trip to Nassau and forgot all their luggage at home. I didn’t believe
him when he told me until I talked to him mom, who told me 1st thing
when I saw her at the bi-weekly meeting.
Kevin’s grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day.
you vaccinate your kids ? i squirt lemon in my son’s eyes to make him stronger against viruses . i activate his fight or flight response . he is so powerful he can now eat entire lemons , peel included .. tell me again how your vaccinated child isn’t inferior ?
😂😂😂😂 because my kid isnt going to die from polio. I could give two shits if she could power down a whole lemon.
my son has been trained to eat polio while your kid struggles to even eat a simple yellow fruit . Pathetic
Omg… your antivax mentality is so deluded that i cannot even begin to explain how you cannot eat polio because your tiny pinhead mind wouldnt be able to process it. Also, literally everything you have said qualifies as child abuse. I hope someone takes your kid away from you so they actually get a chance to live a decent and normal life free of debilitating diseases.
He has mastered laying eggs while your child learns the ABDs , don’t think for a second that they are the same . Your son is 2 ft getting no hoes while my son is 6’4 getting chicks daily . Don’t ever call my head a pin again
can we take a moment to just think about how incredibly scary magical healing is in-context?
You get your insides ripped open but your friend waves his hands and your flesh just pulls back together, agony and evisceration pulling back to a ‘kinda hurts’ level of pain and you’re physically whole, with the 100% expectation that you’ll get back up and keep fighting whatever it was that struck you down the first time.
You break your arm after falling somewhere and after you’re healed instead of looking for ‘another way around’ everybody just looks at you and goes “okay try again”.
You’ve been fighting for hours, you’re hungry, thirsty, bleeding, crying from exhaustion, and a hand-wave happens and only two of those things go away. you’re still hungry, you’re still weak from thirst, but the handwave means you have ‘no excuse’ to stop.
You act out aggressively maybe punch a wall or gnash your teeth or hit your head on something and it’s hand-waved because it’s ‘such a small injury you probably can’t even feel it anymore’ but the point was that you felt it at all?
Your pain literally means nothing because as long as you’re not bleeding you’re not injured, right? Here drink this potion and who cares about the emotional exhaustion of that butchered village, why are you so reserved in camp don’t you think it’s fun retelling that time you fell through a burning building and with a hand-wave you got back up again and ran out with those two kids and their dog?
Older warriors who get a shiver around magic-users not because of the whole ‘fireball’ thing but the ‘I don’t know what a normal pain tolerance is anymore’ effect of too much healing. Permanent paralysis and loss of sensation in limbs is pretty much a given in the later years of any fighter’s life. Did I have a stroke or did the mage just heal too hard and now this side of my face doesn’t work? No i’m not dead from the dragon’s claws but I can’t even bend my torso anymore because of how the scar tissue grew out of me like a vine.
Magical healing is great and keeps casualties down.
But man.
That stuff is scary.
shit just got creepy
Or maybe magical healing doesn’t leave scars or damage. It is magical, after all.
So after years of fighting, your skin is still perfect. Unmarred. In fact, you’re actually in better shape than regular people who don’t get magical healing when they fall out of trees or walk into doors or cut themselves while cooking dinner. You’re in such good shape that it’s unnatural.
And the really good healing magic takes away more than just the obvious injuries. You first start noticing it after about ten years when you go home and haha, you look the same age as your younger sibling, that’s funny.
Not so funny ten years later when they look older. Or forty years later, when you bury them still looking like you did at twenty. When do you retire from this gig anyway? How much damage is too much damage?
How many times do you glimpse the afterlife, or worse, how many times don’t you? What do you live through, get used to, show no outward sign of except a perfectly healthy body, too perfect for any person living a real life.
How many times are you sitting in a tavern with your friends and you hear the whispers, because the people around you know. How can they not know? Your weapons shine with enchantments and your armour is better than the best money can buy and there is not a damn scar on you. You hardly seem human to them.
How long before you hardly seem human to yourself?
And you find yourself struggling to remember the places where the scars should have been, phantom pains that wake you screaming, touching all the old injuries and finding nothing there. It’s all in your head. Was it ever anywhere else?
How long before you’re fighting a lich or a vampire or some other undead monster and you wonder…
Stop asking little girls if they have boyfriends
Stop referring to the boys that little girls are friends with as their “little boyfriends”
Stop telling little girls they’re going to have boyfriends or be “boy crazy”
Stop raising children on heteronormativity and let them be children
Additionally: 1. It’s not funny 2. It’s not cute 3. You are embarrassing them 4. You are completely disregarding them when they tell you “no” and you insist
Stop doing the same to little boys too.
They are not “a little lady’s man.”
Don’t excuse him picking on a girl as him having a crush. Correct the behavior and stop treating it like it’s cute and normal.
Also stop insisting little boys have crushes on significantly older women. It’s gross.
Just let kids be kids.
Its not “men and women just cant be friends” its “you fourced romantic implications on children and made them uncomfortable/embarassed, socially conditioning them to not platonically interact with the opposite sex”
A Glitch Named Anti 