kitchenfloorcalamity:

Humans Are Weird: Pet the space doggo

We’ve already discussed the whole, “Humans need chaperones so they don’t spill their pack bonding on anything within a 20 mile radius.” Thing, but you know the thing I seem to always see people leave out? It’s not just petting. It’s not just “Hug the pretty kitty baby!!” As far as I’ve seen, humans will adopt basically any behavior of an animal besides butt sniffing and peeing on things. I’ve seen people rather than get a dog to understand human, figure out how to communicate something in dog. I know people do the whole blink slowly at cats because to cats that means we calm and good and friends! We don’t (usually) go barreling into the creature den. We sit around and watch the animal til we know how they say hi! And then we get them to like us! And THEN we smother them with affection and pack bond-y-ness!! We make the sounds their babies make! We learn to speak their language! We kiss their noses sometimes!

blanddcheadcanons:

I think most of them are real in the DCU.  Most every religious mythical creatures are for sure real.  I think there should be stories where a superhero detective like Bruce, Ralph, or Bobo are trying to investigate the existence of a creature like Mothman.  At the end of the issue they can’t find any proof and conclude he doesn’t exist.  As the detective walks away into the horizon, the reader sees Mothman staring back at them from the foreground.

mufasamonsta:

tahthetrickster:

i really like looking at google image searches for “firemen rescuing cats” or something because you get super cute pictures like

AND THEN THERE’S THIS ONE

“THAT’S RIGHT TWAS I that set the house ablaze!!!”

anarcane:

So I have been following the goings on of the many “Humans are Space Orcs” and “Humans are Weird” posts and decided I had my own story to tell.

It follows the visit of one Mal T’Gjarex to an earth colony as an ambassador for his people. Upon witnessing a seemingly common form of Human activity, he is convinced Humanity is comprised entirely of insane masochists.
This is his data transmission to his superiors following his visit:

BEGIN TRANSMISSION
Mission Debriefing from Mal T’Gjarex – Ambassador to Earth colony “Eden’s Bounty”

It has only been a short time since our introduction to Humankind – Since then we have learned that they are a wily race of creatures – as clever as they are savage. We have heard from other races that having Humans for allies is an unpleasant prospect; it is also by far (and unanimously agreed) the lesser of two evils by all counts.

Today I must go on record that my recent exposure to the ritual of Spa-Dé serves only to strengthen my perception that Humans are insane. To elaborate on the ritual is, in itself, a descent into madness. If you possess the fortitude within your stomachs to read on, I implore you, do so knowing that what you read is the headiest of truths – one simply could not fabricate the terrors I observed on this torture planet.

Upon my arrival, the wardens of this hellish place dared to approach me with full disregard to my status – Marching toward me with arms spread wide to increase the appearance of size, and each baring their teeth in that disgusting show so common to their species. As Ambassador to the Human colony, you know that I must endure all manner of behavior that does not directly threaten my existence. As they surrounded me with rings of noxious flora, however – no doubt designed to skew the senses and delude one’s mental acuity – I found within myself a mighty need to disembowel them to the last should I find myself in a less than ambassadorial capacity upon our next meeting.

I was welcomed – laughable! – into their torture facility, where many “guests” were already receiving the horrific “treatments” of Spa-Dé. Anguished groans emanated from many of the cells within this facility. Those administering the torture would move from room to room, inflicting their awful techniques upon the Humans trapped within.
Imagine, if you dare, these skilled masochists using only their hands to bend and shape the bodies of their victims – stretching the very muscles (!) of their prostrate bodies and occasionally realigning their bones with a sickening POP!

In other rooms, they submerge their Human victims in fetid pools of “Mud” which “exfoliates” their skin – stripping layers of it from their body in the name of “cleansing.” In other rooms in this bastion of wickedness, they force Humans to endure scorching temperatures, which leech the very fluids from their bodies – the victims’ only relief is to pour water over heated rocks which serves only to further drain them of their essence.

I must say now, that while I cannot be certain without seeing it myself, I must believe that in the end the gatekeepers of this facility are preparing these poor souls for a cannibalistic sacrifice. They lull the victims into a hypnotic state with music and “incense” (a pungent inhalant, which promotes complacence) and then cut their claws to the very quick, filing them smooth, and softening them to make them less dangerous.

They are subsequently led to one of the many Human-length ovens located in the heart of the facility and I believe with all my hearts that I witnessed the final moments for one of these poor creatures as it climbed inside. Only after placing sliced vegetables over the victim’s eyes, did a caretaker then shut the lid, set a timer, and leave. I could see a warm glow coming from the device, and I knew it to be their end.

To conclude my report – the part that chills my very exoskeleton is how pleased they were with themselves:

“This is the finest facility of its kind in any Human colony or settlement.”
“We ‘treat’ thousands at this facility”
“We hope you’ll come back for your own treatment!”

HAH! They throw their insanity in my face as if I should relish the idea of meeting my end as their softened, skinless meal!

Thus concludes my assessment of the Spa-Dé ritual.

I will be seeking immediate transfer to another sector – one as far from the Humans as possible.

END TRANSMISSION

iguanamouth:

bakuryuuha:

THE FACT THAT THERE’S PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID OF SNAKES MAKES ME SO SAD I MEAN

look again

katyfield:

Humans are space orcs

I would to add to the whole humans are weird/ space orcs tag. As it has come to my attention how much it would probably freak aliens out that we can loose the majority of some of our most important internal organs and be pretty much fine. (Obviously some would need dietary changes or vitamin supplements but honestly a small price to pay).

Like imaging the horror an alien would feel over learning that the human in their care literally has half a brain but is functioning comepltely normal. Arguably the most important organ a human has, the one that controls everything and makes sure they’re alive, can have half of it removed with little to no difference to the human (it is more common than you would think and is often used to treat bad epilepsy)

Ah ha! But it doesn’t end there. There are many other vital organs humans can do without/ most of it gone. Here’s a list of a few which I think aliens would be horrified to know:

– Part or even a whole lung (and what’s even more remarkable is the remaining lung can work with 70-80% of the efficiency of 2 lungs, amazing right ?!)

– You can have your entire stomach removed! They just attach your oesophagus to your intestines! (Most of your digestion takes place in you small intestine anyway so it’s not greatly affected, some supplements are needed and the diet changes a bit but overall not too much different (not including dumping syndrome (no that is nothing to do with poos but actually blood sugar)))

– You can have your spleen removed and your stomach just gets attached to your liver

– Even more fascinating is that you can have up to 65% of your liver removed and the it’ll grow back by a year! A full liver can be grown from ¼ of the original. The liver is one of the only organs where you can completely remove whole sections and it’ll just grow back like nothing ever happened (livers are freaky man).

– You can straight up have your gallbladder taken away, and it has little effect, you just don’t have anywhere to store your bile, but that’s a pretty minor thing retrospectively.

– Finally you can have a whole kidney removed (or in some cases it’s not even taken out) and the remaining one works just as well as when there were 2. Even more unbelievable is the fact sometimes if both of someone’s kidneys aren’t working doctors will sometimes leave them in and just put in a 3rd kidney which does all the work.

– One final thing I would like to add is the fact that humans can have their entire anatomy flipped around in their body and not even know!

I thought this would be a good entry to the humans are space orcs tag as our bodies are such finely tuned survival machines yet we can be missing so much of vital organs with little impact. I know I would be freaked out by these weird creatures if I was an alien. Like humans are scary enough with our weapons, endurance, recklessness and healing capabilities. Couple that with being able to have major parts of our anatomy missing and you’ve got yourselves one scary race. (Honestly humans scare me sometimes). I think this would be especially creepy if with other alien species any damage or loss of parts of organs results in almost guaranteed death and then there’s is humans who can rock up with half a brain and one lung, missing an arm of leg and be like “right who we fighting next”.