rogue-of-broken-time:

I think I figured out why I’ve felt so weird and tense today.

I know Seán is more than likely just fine, that the reason there wasn’t a second upload was probably a technical issue or whatever the case may be. Even if it was a personal thing, that’d be fine as well. He has his own life to live. He shouldn’t have to worry about revolving his life around The Schedule™ if he’s having to deal with his own life or health in any way. I 100% understand that. Hell, he could take a week, a month, however damn long he wants off of doing anything and I’d be cool with it, because it’s his life and he can do whatever he wants.

In my mind, I know all of this.

The trouble lies in that my brain also registers Seán as a friend, not necessarily an “idol” or someone “famous” or “out of reach”. So there’s some other part of me that’s kicking into overdrive because I just,, care about him.

And I know there comes a point where it’s not the community’s place to intrude on his personal life, because it is, in fact, his life and not ours to worry about– and I absolutely know that he wouldn’t want us to worry about him because then he’d start worrying about making us worry about him and that’s just not a good cycle for anybody involved. But there’s still that tiny part of me I just can’t get to shut up and calm down, because it sees him as a friend, as someone who I theoretically should make sure is doing alright, and yet there are many perfectly normal reasons why and how I can’t and shouldn’t do that.

(Mix that with the fact that my empathy has been replicating his potential stress of making us worry about him in my own body and you get the surplus of blegh in my system right about now.)

Agh. Sorry for rambling about this, I just really need to work on figuring out what I’m feeling more often, because I’m getting kinda sick of saying “I’m not sure what it is, but there’s a lot of it”.