My thanks to Anon for the prompt that led to this short story! Sorry for the wait. I hope you enjoy having been the unwitting victim of my playing dress-up with you! Mwahaha!
Human history is a lush and diverse one. It’s young days were full of bloodshed, the hostile environment of Earth and the difficulty early humans had in meeting their needs due to natural or artificial (usually artificial) resource scarcity making war commonplace. But, as humans say, necessity is the mother of invention. This is why by the 23rd century, humanity’s technological progress had frown in leaps and bounds and almost all areas of human innovation was radically different from what people in the Antiquity had known.
Almost all areas.
Strangely, in some domains, humans seemed to have a blind spot that made technological progress impossible. These fields were few and usually went unremarked… that is, until humanity made its first forays into the greater galactic community, and its idiosyncrasies became fuel for mockery.
“I’m almost ready! Hold up!”
Hopping on one foot, Nonnie finished
pulling on his heavy leather boot. With thick soles that were specially
designed to grip onto whatever ice might dare to cross his path, he felt ready
to face the great outdoors in his quest for snacks. Warm leggings under a
stylish heat-recycling winter skirt, a thick sweater and a large hoodie as well
as a face mask and bandana completed the ensemble. The only pieces of skin
visible were a sliver of throat, and one finger due to a hole in Nonnie’s nonetheless
favourite pair of fleece gloves.Selqueth wriggled her antenna in
exasperation. “I mreek don’t see why
you mrak felt the need to make me mreek wait while you mrak changed your mrak clothes when what you mrak
were wearing before was just fine and clean. We gaszgooz are only going down the street for pizza and sour-boiled
lambar worms.”Nonnie laughed as he made his way to
the door where Selqueth had been waiting for the past 10 minutes as he dashed
through the hive they shared looking for appropriate start-of-winter wear.“I know you don’t get” – Selqueth
interrupted with an offended flail, to which Nonnie responded with an eyeroll
and a teasing insult.“Fussy! Just because I don’t use the
proper deferentials doesn’t mean I’m propositioning
you. We’ve gaszgooz been over
this Selqueth… Humans don’t assume whomever tishtosh
we’re mreekoth talking to is down to
fuck just because no one saaal
explicitely said otherwise. And even if we mreekoth
did, we mreekoth still wouldn’t
pounce on unsuspecting people tishtosh
and start doing the do. There’s a time and a place. And even if there WEREN’T,
I’m mreek really fucking gay,
Selqueth. No offense against you mrak because
you’re mrak fine as hell and all, but
I’m mreek only sexually attracted to
other humans tishtosh. We gaszgooz will never ever need to have a
duel to the castration in response to a misunderstanding because I mreek am never ever going to try to get it on with you mrak, ever, even if I mreek don’t
explicitely state this, and I mreek
know you’re mrak professionally
celibate. Everyone saalmoth knows because
you mrak are dyed purple and only a
trump saal would try to proposition
you MRAK. Can we just go now? I’m
starving!”“It’s still rude!” Selqueth
insisted, but nonetheless opened the door and led the way to the restaurant the
duo preferred, allowing Nonnie to close it behind him. “You mrak sound like a savage! It’s a wonder
humans tishtosh managed to evolve
enough to make it off planet if they tishtosh
never bothered putting into place proper protocols to ensure consensual
congress took place. I mreek still
don’t understand how you mrak can be certain
there won’t be issues. My mreek people
almost faced extinction and we mreekoth wouldn’t
still be around if the consent pronouns hadn’t been invented and made mandatory
for all Samzin mreekoth three
generations ago. Did I mreek ever
tell you that my mreek mreek clutch-mother
tish had ninety-six siblings tish and
all but two of them tish and her tish were castrated in duels?”Nonnie blinked and picked up the
pace to keep up with Selqueth’s long strides. “I actually didn’t know that.
Wow. I… That’s intense. No wonder you’re so fervent about proper pronoun usage.
I thought you were just a grammar nerd.”Selqueth arched her antenna
backwards solemnly. “I mreek am. But
more than that, I mreek am a history
buff and I mreek could go on for
hours about why the consent pronouns are the single most important linguistic,
political, cultural and social invention of all of Samzin mreekoth history.”The two friends walked in silence
for several paces. It’s only a few meters away from the door of the Xhampion
Fusion restaurant that Selqueth remembered her original question and asked it
again. “You mrak never told me mreek why you mrak decided to change your mrak
clothes.”“Oh right! Well, it’s nothing mysterious.
Unlike you, I’m not impervious to the cold. When the weather starts getting
like this, I have to wear thicker clothes and more layers if I want to go out
because otherwise, I’ll fall prey to the cold, get hypothermia, and die. If
prehistoric humans hadn’t invented fire, we’d have gone extinct because humans
are actually ridiculously fragile when it comes to dealing with cold. None of
the other galactically recognized sophonts have this problem, as far as I’ve
noticed. I guess it’s just a human thi… why are you looking at me like that?”Selqueth had stopped walking,
turning to focus all six of her forward-facing eyes onto Nonnie’s, and was making
a buzz of incredulous disbelief. “I’m mreek
not impervious to cold, Nonnie mrak”,
she said.“You’re not? I’ve never seen you see
so much as a scarf even when we got that freak blizzard three years ago during end-of-winter.
How are you not freezing to death right now!?”Selqueth began chittering loudly, and
waggled her antenna in Nonnie’s direction. Passersby turned curiously,
wondering why a Samzim was pointing and laughing so loudly at an increasingly
flustered human.“I don’t get it! What’s the joke?
What’s so funny!”Selqueth gasped. “You mrak wear more clothes to stay warm! That’s ridiculous! What do you mrak do when it rains? Run?
Stay inside?” The chittering was devolving into buzzing now.“No! We use umbrellas! Not that it
ever rains on this colony. But if it did, we’d use umbrellas. And some people
wear raincoats, and rainboots too, I guess.”Selqueth began stomping hopping in
amused glee. “Raincoat. Rainboots. How
hilarious! What is an ‘umbrella’? Is it some kind of anti-rain scarf?”Nonnie sulked and crossed his arms. “If
you’re going to mock me I don’t think I’ll tell you”, he said with a haughty
sniff and vaulted back to the restaurant, cheeks beginning to flush under his
balaclava.“No, no! I mreek want to know! I mreek
won’t laugh anymore! Promise! Tell me mreek
please. What is an ‘umbrella’ and how does it help you with rain?” Selqueth walked
past Nonnie so the restaurant’s motion sensors would register her first, and
then waved her friend in politely, trying to show off her good will with the
minor act she knew humans interpreted as a courtesy.Nonnie pulled up besides their usual
table, sat down, pulled off his face mask and squinted at her suspisciously. “An
umbrella is a thing people use to keep the rain off of them. It’s shaped like an
inverted blow and held up on a stick. It’s wide enough to cover a human’s head
and shoulders. We hold it above our heads so the rain doesn’t fall on us.”“Does the wind stop blowing when it
rains on your planet? How do you prevent rain from coming at you sideways?”“Ah… yes it does. And… we don’t.
Umbrellas are pretty inefficient actually. You get wet anyways usually… But at
least your head stays dry I guess. We haven’t really found anything better.
Besides raincoats, hats and boots. But those are so tacky no one besides very
young children are willing to be caught dead wearing those things.”Selqueth looked at Nonnie solemnly. “How
long ago were ‘umbrellas’ invented, Nonnie mrak?”“Um… I don’t know. A few millenia? I
don’t think anyone knows, to be honest. Humans have pretty much always used
umbrellas.”“And in all that time… Not a single
human tishtosh invented something
better?”“I…”, and he stopped, wordless. “Actually…
um… well, no? I mean… it’s an umbrella.
How are you going to improve on that?”“I’m mreek afraid that I’m mreek going
to have to break my mreek promise and
laugh at you mrak now.” And with
those words, Selqueth began buzzing obnoxiously, antenna waggling furiously at
the fuming human. “Umbrellas!” she gasped. “Bowls on sticks!” she chittered. “Warmer
clothes!” she buzzed. “For millenia!”“Well what do you do then when you get cold, since apparently you’re not
impervious! What’s your better system?”
Nonnie snapped, annoyed.Selqueth laughed for a few moments
more before managing to calm herself down.“Like every single sophont tishtosh except, apparently, humans tishtosh, I mreek use a personal envirothermic regulator.” She waved at the discreet
pink tattoo on the underside of her left upper limb that Nonnie had always
thought was some kind of tattoo.“It’s a small chip people tishtosh get implanted starting at about
the cost of a big bowl of flava juice. It creates an energy field right above the
skin that automatically reacts to varying environments to keep the thermal
state at optimal levels so that neither heat nor cold causes any problems. It
also automatically dries any water that comes into contact with the wearer tishtosh unless they tishtosh change the settings so that
they tishtosh don’t get wet when it
rains. If you mrak had one, you mrak could jump into a volcano, swim to
the other side and be fine. Every single species tishtosh except, apparently, humans tishtosh had their own version centuries before ever achieving
space flight. It’s said that the next model will be strong enough to withstand
up to half an hour of hard vacuum, so that people tishtosh won’t need to wear evac suits for quick repair trips outside
of their spaceships anymore. How could you mrak
not have heard of this? Everyone has one!”Nonnie’s eyes widened and his mouth
dropped open in horror. He looked around him, for the first time noticing that
indeed, just about every single person that he could see in the room had that
same small pink tattoo somewhere on their person. And no one was wearing anything that could even remotely be construed
appropriate winter wear. No one… except him.He shut his mouth. Opened it again.
Coughed embarrassedly.“How much did you say these gadgets
cost?” he muttered, “and where can I get one?”Nonnie unzipped his hoodie, took off
his gloves, and blushed furiously.Selqueth chittered.
“May I take your order?” their waiter asked, coming up
to the them, gossamer scarf elegantly fluttering down to rest delicately on a
corner of the table top.
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Thinking like 250-350 words, the concept of weather specific clothing in the Space Australia context. Just as a blunt example I live in Canada. I wear a hoodie, fleece gloves (one finger is missing), heavy leather boots that grip on ice. As well as a face mask and bandana the only human parts of me visible are my eyes one finger and a little bit of my throat. I look like the the freaking boogie man in the darkness. So I was thinking if aliens could survive our environment, what would they think?
Published
A Glitch Named Anti 