caitielou-askew:

In addition to the @starbotdubs​ situation, I have a few words to say about Ultima’s response here (sorry Steph if you’d rather not get tagged in this). I looked up his channel out of pure curiosity and found this video.

This is exactly the kind of non-apology that people in bad relationships need to look out for. In fact people in any relationship, because often when someone’s in a bad relationship it doesn’t FEEL bad to them, at least not for a while. I want to break down what he’s doing here because it’s almost brilliant in its structure, and so true to form for people who are emotionally abusive.

1. He comes out the gate with a ton of unqualified absolutes. “What’s going on in the here and now.” “100% real, honest, and transparent (”anyone who has been subscribed to me…knows this)” “I’ve kept it real with the fans since day one” “This is nothing but the unclouded truth.” “I will not make excuses for my actions.” We have no reason to believe these are true, he’s said and done nothing to back them up. It sounds really upfront and honest, but there’s really nothing substantial here. It’s all fluff to appeal to the emotions (also phrases like “if you cannot find it within your heart to forgive me as a human being” serve the same purpose).

2. His first apology is to those whose respect he has lost (which he highlights himself by saying he wants to “apologize in advance to them”). NOT to the people who he has hurt. This is an important distinction because the respect of his fans is an asset with material value. I couldn’t say whether he did this consciously or not, but at the very least it seems a rather bizarre choice for a first apology given all that’s been alleged against him.

3. Two minutes into all this fluff he finally says he’s going to keep it short and concise because “time is a very precious matter.” Aside from being a contradiction, I’m pretty sure the most important matter in the video should be adequately addressing the issue at hand. Brevity has nothing to do with that. If it takes a longer video to properly explain what happened, then so be it. I can only chalk this up to showmanship, kind of like those people in the mall kiosks who pull you aside so you can sample their product, and several minutes into their spiel are still saying “in just 2 minutes I can show you why you need this product!” Maybe it’s just because I’ve worked a lot in marketing, but this whole video sounds very much like a sales pitch to me. Especially with how fast he’s talking (unless that’s how he always talks? again I don’t watch his channel).

4. He says he will explain WHY he did what he did, not WHAT happened. Here’s where the real problem with this video starts to show itself: his rationale has absolutely NO bearing on the situation at hand. What he owes his fans and Steph and everyone else he’s hurt is a summary of the events and an apology. Bringing in his reasons for doing what he did sounds a lot like those “excuses” he said he was not going to give in the beginning.

5. IMMEDIATELY after he begins that objective summary he gives completely unnecessary “opinions” about how he feels about Stephanie. And this is where the emotionally abusive language kicks in. Remember when Steph said in her post how her psychology bells started ringing? This is what she was talking about. “I literally honored and treasured our relationship to the fullest and never took it for granted.” There is so much to unpack in that sentence. It’s one-sided, it’s absolute, it’s possessive, and it’s blatantly untrue. Because if he hadn’t taken what they had for granted, he wouldn’t have hurt her in the first place. To take something for granted is to fail to appreciate it. If he believes that is true IN SPITE of what he did, then it’s clear his definition of appreciating someone in a relationship has nothing to do with the other person’s feelings about the relationship.

6. The summary continues and is peppered with his emotional reactions (”I was like oh no, did I do something wrong”). Again unnecessary, and only meant to illicit sympathy for him as opposed to communicating the story in an “unclouded” manner.

7. Next is a HUGE RED FLAG: he implies that how he treated Stephanie (or rather how the thinks he has treated her) has ANYTHING to do with whether or not she should be in a relationship with him. Do you remember all those “friendzoned” memes from a while back, and how one meme that responded to them went something like “women are not vending machines that you put kindness coins into until sex comes out?” THIS IS WHAT THOSE MEMES WERE TALKING ABOUT.

I cannot stress this enough. HOW YOU TREAT SOMEONE IN A RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT PUT THEM UNDER ANY OBLIGATION TO CONTINUE THAT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. PERIOD.

It doesn’t matter how nice you are. It doesn’t matter if you treat them like a “queen,” or a “king,” or whatever. You have no right to them. They are free to end the relationship on any terms they see fit, and if you are any kind of a decent human being with even an OUNCE of respect for them you will let them go and not pursue them any further. FULL. STOP.

8. He says twice that Steph “came out of nowhere” and said this to him. At this point he’s done a full 180 and framed HIMSELF as the victim here. That’s right–not even halfway into the video and now HE’S the one who had this sudden breakup INFLICTED upon him. Steph is now the instigator who brought these events upon HIM. This couldn’t be a more perfect example of victim-blaming.

9. He glosses over the later parts of the story, summarizing the events only by saying he “became greedy” and “began talking to other women.” This is the part of the story where he himself says he did wrong, yet he offers no detail into what specifically he did and said. Before when he was the victim, we got a play-by-play for how the breakup went down. But he spends as little time as possible actually explaining what he did wrong.

10. More appeals to emotion. “When you want something so bad so as to be able to have that completeness, to be able to have that love with someone, you’d do just about anything to get it.” He completely fails to see how his “love” was one-sided and, after the termination of the relationship, totally unwelcome. Even now he does not understand how it is possible for someone he wants to be in a relationship with to not want to be with him. In his mind if he likes the person and treats them right, they should by default feel the same way about him. He does not understand autonomy in relationships.

11. More appeals for the audience’s forgiveness.

Never once in the video does he apologize directly to anyone he hurt. Never once does he ask for their forgiveness, or express any regret for hurting them or losing their respect. The only forgiveness he asks for is that of his subscribers’.

I know not everybody appreciates a wall-o-text in their feed, but if you got this far thank you for reading. This is a textbook case of emotional abuse. If you or someone you love has a partner who talks like this about them, or apologizes like this when they do wrong, please step back and analyze the situation. When you’re in the middle of this it can be so hard to see the signs, but they’re there and crystal clear if you know what to look for. Much love to Stephanie and everyone else affected by him.